How Did I Get Here?

The past few weeks, I have run the gamut of emotions. Some happy, some sad, mad and angry and some so mixed up I am not sure how to process them, so I sit and I read and I pray. I turn to the Father and seek His guidance. I converse with Godly counsel and friends that love the Lord as much as I do and ask for prayers and wisdom. Doing my best to discern what is from Jesus and what isn’t.

I grew up knowing Jesus. There was never a time in my life I didn’t know about Him or forgiveness, grace, mercy, and unconditional love. And even in my darkest moments, when all hope seemed lost, He was there. He has always been right beside me, His Holy Spirit dwells within me. And just so I don’t sound all high and mighty here, and keeping it real, sometimes knowing all that, I have still tried to figure stuff out on my own, and believe words spoken over me or people’s opinions that belittle me and not stand up for what I know to be TRUTH.  It’s easy to allow it to happen if you don’t remember WHOSE you are.

Life isn’t easy and Jesus never promised that it would be. But He did promise that He would always be with us. He would be our strength because His strength comes through in our times of weakness.

Philippians 4:13 New Living Translation (NLT)
13 For I can do everything through Christ,[a] who gives me strength.

In the past several months, I have had many moments where I just want to chuck in the towel and give up. And I hate that feeling.  Sleeping was easy. No problems for me to deal with, no solutions to come up with, no hurt feelings to soothe, just sleep. And that would be a pretty good plan if life didn’t keep moving on and every task for the day was done, but in my world, the real world, sleeping all day is not a healthy thing to do unless I’ve had a flare up with my fibromyalgia, or I am sick or I am so exhausted I just can’t take one more step. Meals need to be made, laundry needs to be done, errands need to be taken care of, family needs to be loved and appointments need to be kept, therapies to go to and the list goes on.

I am a positive person. No matter how bleak things appear or seem, I can always find a bright spot, a sliver of hope. Nothing can be as bad as it seems, and even when it is really as bad as it seems, I choose to trust in Jesus and God and know on faith that God will take the bad, tragic and sorrowful times of our lives and use them for good.  I’ve experienced it. And that’s a promise in His Word (Romans 8:28)

I have difficulty encouraging myself. Many times I just want to let someone else carry the load. I want a break. I need a break. I never imagined at 53, I would be where I am right now and yes, it could be a lot worse than what it is. When we are struggling in any given moment, it seems like it could be the worst low we have ever encountered. And crawling out of the deep dark hole isn’t as easy as it seems. In moments like this, I usually have to shift my perspective, and at times, I don’t want to. I’m tired. Emotionally, more than physically.

I hadn’t planned on being retired and spending most of my waking moments with only the people I live with. I love them, they are my family, but I am a people person. I love having conversations on a variety of topics, I love being challenged to do things I didn’t think possible.

This video from Mercy Me helps me get through some of my darkest moments. It reminds me where my Hope lies.

I didn’t realize that the extreme pain in my lower back would stop me from being able to live the life I so desperately want. And I am not talking about anything exciting or adventurous either. Simply to be able to go to the store, or take a walk more than 10 feet and have to stop and sit. It’s horrible having this continual pain. I hate thinking about it and living with it. I want to lose the burdensome weight I carry on my frame, but to do that I have to be able to exercise, along with eating right,  and while chair exercises are a start, they don’t do much for losing weight. Surgery to repair the damage from the degenerative disc disease in my lumbar spine area is not option until such time as I lose a significant amount of weight and my circulatory problems improve. And there have been many loving suggestions from family and friends. I did consider bariatric weight loss surgery, but that would require at least 5 to 6 weeks of recovery with rest and I can’t even get a few days of uninterrupted rest let alone 5 to 6 weeks.

When I injured my knee and tore the meniscus I was told surgery was not an option because of my health and I felt in such a conundrum because if it was too high risk for surgery to repair my knee, why was it okay to have surgery for serious weight loss? It was safe for one but not the other??

Water exercise is great if you have a pool. But if you have to go to a pool, and pay for use, that can be quite costly living on a fixed income that is stretched as far as it will go. Feed your family, pay your bills or go exercise in a pool of water. It usually isn’t a hard choice to make. We have to have electricity, hot water, and food. We have to have a roof over our heads and we have to be able to take care of a little guy that can’t care for himself.

It’s the days when the pain is hard and other’s aren’t feeling well either, those are the most difficult to get through. But, I get through them. So thankful for Jesus. HE is the reason I have made it this far. I am still walking, slower than a snail, but I am walking. I think of the many things I have to be grateful for. I put on some worship and praise tunes, I make a list of who and what I am grateful for and yes, sometimes I sleep.  And ever so slowly, I find my way back to hope, encouragement, and realize everything I go through is just part of my journey.  What I deal with personally and what I go through, helps me to see life from different perspectives. I have been on both sides of the pain.  The times when my pain was manageable and the times when it nearly knocks me out of the game. I work through the depression, talking it out with loved ones, trusted confidants and Jesus.

Currently, I do not take medications for depression. I did at one time when the pain was so great every single day that I needed it. There may come a time when I will have to again, and if that time comes, I will do what I need to for me.

I think of the times Jesus was depressed. I think of the days before His crucifixion when He knew the pain He would endure and how sad and sorrowful he must have been. I think of Him being nailed to a cross and being suspended on that cross and I realize that no amount of pain I go through will ever compare to His. That image in my mind helps me. It helps me remember that my time on earth is temporary. This body I live in is temporary. One day I will have no more pain. I will cry no more tears of sadness, only tears of joy. Until that time comes though, I will minister to others the only way I know how and I will listen, comfort, share my thoughts and opinions and love the life I have. Part of growing in the Lord and living by faith is trusting in what we can’t see and believe in what Jesus has promised.

May you know how much Jesus Loves You~right now in this moment~wherever you are. Jesus can turn any mess into a message of hope! #HopeAlwaysHaveFaith

Blessings my friends~Carlene

 

 

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Published by

Carlene W.

I am a very optimistic person. I love Jesus with all my heart. I always try to extend grace whenever I can, help others in need and enjoy spending quality time with family and friends. I am also helping to raise my grandson with Autism and advocating for him as well.

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