Category Archives: Emotions

Days Gone By

As I sit here, I just can’t believe that summertime is over and school is upon us. For some districts, their school has already started. Our summer break didn’t go exactly as planned, but we still managed to squeeze in a few days at the Columbus (Ohio) Zoo and Newport (Kentucky)Aquarium.  Tyson had a blast and that was our hope. A great way to end the summer before starting all-day kindergarten this year!

Tyson Berwin Park

Climbing down -because he never does things easy.

As I look back on the past several years and read some of my past blog posts, I am amazed at how far Tyson has come. When he entered preschool two years ago, at the age of 3 he had 24 words and some of them weren’t even true words, but sounds he made for something.  Now at the age of 5, he not only has unlimited words in his vocabulary but is speaking in multiple sentences at a time!!! We are so thankful to the many speech therapists that have worked with him and continue to work with him on articulating each syllable he speaks. He used the word “very” quite often but still says “berry”. And somewhere along the way, this child has come up with the phrase”not quite yet” when asked if he is ready to do something or finished with it.  It is quite comical because he is ever so serious when he says it.

He is very excited to be going to Kindergarten. He will be in a Special Education Resource Room for most of his learning time, but as he excels in areas or becomes proficient, he will have the opportunity to spend time with his neurotypical peers in another classroom, as well as going to gym, music, art, library, and lunch with them.

Four more days and he will be boarding his schoolbus and starting his adventure for the year.  To say that I am excited, would be an understatement.  I love him with my entire heart and then some, but I am ready for my own break from him.  He is so full of energy and inquisitiveness, this grandma is ready for some downtime.

A friend asked me if I thought he would do well in an all-day class and quite frankly, I think he will be amazing. He THRIVES in a structured environment.  The night of the school open house, it took a long time to get him out of his classroom. So many things to see and do. The hardest part of the whole day will be getting him up very early (for him) to get ready and eat before his bus comes.  I am sure he will be one of the children that will fall asleep on the ride home.

Over the summer, other changes have taken place. Our son moved back home, with a new puppy, that is not trained yet. He is a beautiful dog, but still very hyper and having one hyper “boy” in the house does not help the dog calm down. I keep praying a magical fence will appear around the yard and then both boy and dog could run until they were too tired to move.

Psalm 62:5-8 New Living Translation (NLT)
5 Let all that I am wait quietly before God,
for my hope is in him.
6 He alone is my rock and my salvation,
my fortress where I will not be shaken.
7 My victory and honor come from God alone.
He is my refuge, a rock where no enemy can reach me.
8 O my people, trust in him at all times.
Pour out your heart to him,
for God is our refuge.

As I recover from the medical problems I experienced in June, the Lord and I have been spending more time together and this is exactly what I needed. The waiting game has always been a hard thing for me. I am great at telling others that God is in control and everything in HIS timing, but I am not very good at following that advice for myself. I have never had this long of recovery time after having a cellulitis infection, ever. And then I remind myself, it just wasn’t the cellulitis. The lingering memory problems from the sepsis is one of the struggles I am having. I know memory problems come with age, and I totally get that, but the struggles I am having makes me feel like I have dementia some days. My husband can tell me something, and the moment I turn from him and walk away, I forget it. I then ask him about the same thing and he becomes agitated because he JUST told me about it. Now,  I am trying to repeat out loud everything he tells me in the hopes I will retain it in my memory.

Short term memory and cognitive problems are a known response to having

sepsis/septic shock in your body.  The fatigue isn’t anything new. I’ve lived and dealt with fatigue for over 10 years due to the fibro. I’m used to fatigue, it’s just that I used to be able to walk more with my cane and now everywhere I go, it’s my walker or wheelchair. I keep doing my home exercises and getting out as much as possible to build my strength. My therapists and home nurse, before discharge were happy for me and all the progress I am making, but being the person that doesn’t like being out of control, I am struggling to see the progress. Today, I woke early (8 a.m.) and haven’t taken one nap all day.  I guess I am making progress. I will be calling first of the week to have the hospital bed picked up, as now climbing our stairs is possible.

Life happens. It goes on. Even if we aren’t ready for it to go in the direction it heads. Jesus is at the helm in my life. Sometime’s as life happens, I am reminded that I truly do need to rely on HIM for everything. Sometime’s I need to slow down and take care of me.  In my mind, I know I can’t take care of others if my well is dry, but there are time’s things happen that remind me of this fact. My well is slowly filling up, and as it slowly fills back up so I have all the love I need to pour out on others, I will learn to be still and wait on the Lord.  I am forever grateful for the people the Lord places in my life to remind me that progress, no matter how imperfect, is still progress.

May you know how much Jesus Loves you~right now as you read this and always. Jesus can turn any mess in our lives into a message and any test we face into a testimony. #HopeAlwaysHaveFaith

Blessings~Carlene

 

 

 

 

Me

I don’t recall much since June 26th except monitors, lots of noise, hospital beds, nurses and doctors.

I was admitted on 6/26 and released on 7/9 for sepsis resulting from cellulitis infection in my right leg.

I almost died. I was sicker than anyone knew. I’ve been out of the hospital since July 9th but am still battling the pain and movements. Therapy begins next week.

Typing takes a great deal of concentration even though my hands were not affected.

I have not forgotten about all of you that read a follow this blog, but it may be many more weeks until I am back to full capacity

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Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand.
Psalm 73:23 NIV

May you know how much Jesus loves you..Jesus can turn any mess into a message and any test into a testimony. #HopeAlwaysHaveFaith

Thank you for all the prayer warriors keeping me covered in prayer during this difficult time.

Blessings~Carlene

The Human Spirit

Memorial Day May 27 2019 Leroy Myers

 

 

On May 27, 2019, Memorial Day evening, the lives of hundreds of thousands were changed forever including mine. Here in the State of Ohio, 19 confirmed tornadoes, 15 in the area known as the Miami Valley from where I am from. My family and I were some of the very lucky ones that the tornadoes, loss of water and power missed. You can see the interactive map with all the information here.

The Meteorologists and National Weather Service did an amazing job of putting out warnings through news channels, radio stations and cities that had tornado warning systems sounded as well. Unfortunately, some of the cities hit had no siren based warning systems and the fast-moving storms left little time for some people to prepare for the onslaught of devastating weather.

Since Monday evening, my heart has been heavy for all the loss and devastation that I have seen on the news channels, social media and for all the people affected. Only one person lost their life, a gentleman from Celina, Ohio that by all accounts was one in a million. Two hundred people were injured either by the debris and storms themselves or from carbon monoxide buildup and while helping clear debris. Ohio is made up of big cities with a small hometown feel. Almost everyone knows someone that has been affected in one way or another.

But the one thing that has been prevalent since the onslaught of the storms has been the resilient human spirit from total strangers and neighbors helping one another, leaning on one another and all of the donations pouring into local centers to help out those that have lost everything. The kindness and compassion seen through local videos of people stopping to offer food and water, clothing, baby items, from everything and anything are out there for those in need.

As much division as can be seen where evil and hate are lurking, there is so much more love and compassion being poured out for everyone, it makes me proud to be living in a state where when the chips are down, the people pull up their boot strings and get to work helping one another however they can.

As my husband and I traveled North of where we reside today to see a friend that was one of the unlucky ones in losing his home and most of his things, the devastation that we passed on the way there, looked like a war zone from some far away land. As we crept along the roadway, making our way to his property, I was reminded that I am glad I live in a place where no matter what happens, everyone pitches in to help others. When we asked him his thoughts on everything, his response was, “I don’t know what happens now, but I know I will Trust the Lord to meet all my needs.”

Matthew 22:36-40 New Living Translation (NLT)
36 “Teacher, which is the most important commandment in the law of Moses?”

37 Jesus replied, “‘You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.’[a] 38 This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 A second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’[b] 40 The entire law and all the demands of the prophets are based on these two commandments.”

Jesus tells us to love others, expecting nothing in return and this week I have witnessed this. My prayer is that once the cleanup is complete and repairs are made, roads are reopened, that this love for one another will continue. It is sad that it took something of this magnitude to bring out the best in people, but this is a big lesson for all of us to love one another as we love ourselves.

At the beginning of this natural disaster, there were over 50,000 people in the area without power. Our local utility company, with help from over 400 utility workers and companies across many states have been working round the clock to restore power and as of this morning, there was approximately 1,100 left without power. Kudos to the women and men who have been working in hazardous conditions since the beginning. Thank you to the many utility line workers that have left their families and homes to come help restore power. Also, thank you to the Water Plant for getting the water turned back on for all those that have been without water or were under a boil advisory.

For the residents that no longer have homes to live in, the ones that have no place to go to work, for the ones that are struggling to hang onto hope, my prayers are with all of you.

Here is a compilation video from WhioTV Channel 7, Dayton, Ohio of the Dayton-Miami Valley Area Storms.

Jesus loves you~always.

Jesus can turn any test into a testimony and any mess into a message. #HopeAlwaysHaveFaith

Blessings~Carlene

The Half That Makes Me Whole

I wrote this earlier this evening and posted it to my Facebook pages.

This Season I’m In

I want to scream and cry all at once
I want the fear and worry to cease
I want to know it will all be okay
I want the meltdowns to go away and never come back
I want healing and return to good health
I want peace without begging for it
I want the pain to end
I want one day to be perfect with no problems
I want the storms to pass and the dark valleys to become full of light again
I want to live and not just exist
I want to smile with my mouth and not just my heart
I want to walk with no more pain
I want to know my husband will never have another stroke or seizure again
I want to be all God calls me to be every day
I want to be a light to someone in their darkest times
I know this season I am will not last forever, this too shall pass
I know God will stretch me beyond what I think I can endure
I know God has a plan for my life
I know I may not understand His methods or His plan
I know part of growing is going through stuff
I know He is always with me
I know Jesus is my source of joy, never-ending love, strengthener of my faith
I know everything I go through, He will use for good
I know I am loved without conditions because I am HIS
I want the world to know that the Grace of God is enough to carry me when my eyes cannot see why we go through what we do. Jesus is enough.
I know how blessed I am and my wants are temporary, my love for Jesus is eternal.
©Carlene S. Wooddell/May 13, 2019

 

Hebrews 10:24 New Living Translation (NLT)
24 Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works.

 

This past week/weekend, our family had some very scary moments.  Where you stop and evaluate your life. Where you remember that it can all be gone in an instant. My husband suffered a stroke that led to a series or maybe just one seizure lasting over 30 minutes. Wires and monitors everywhere, in and out of consciousness, not remembering the episode or even the ride to the hospital, not knowing how close we came to not having him in our lives.

We both know when it is our time to leave this earth, we will return home to Jesus. There is no fear of dying. The fear comes in when you watch the love of your life, laying there motionless and unable to communicate or even aware you are there. As I worked to maintain control of my emotions, silent prayers were being said, calling and texting all prayer warriors to come to our aid again.

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He survived this time. He is home now. I am doing my best to not be the “helicopter wife”, hovering over him and treating him like a baby that needs to be watched over, just waiting for the pin to drop, but it has been difficult to not do that. It is hard to watch him realize he doesn’t know much of what happened and even after asking multiple times, he can’t remember and must ask again. The sorrow in his voice as he apologizes for something he had no control over. The concern on how long these effects of his memory will last and the sheer fatigue that is hard to comprehend when all he does is sleep.

While I do my best to reassure him that the rest his body needs is imperative and the short term memory loss is normal, it does nothing to help him feel better about it. And I don’t know if I were in his shoes, it would make me feel any better or not.

The fact he is required to take new medications to prevent future seizures and the possibility of not driving until he is approved to do so by his Neurologists is scary. Losing any type of independence at any age is daunting.

But we will get through this together, one day at a time.

Tell the people in your life how much they mean to you, show them by your actions, love them daily as if it is their last because when that time comes for them to pass on, don’t leave regrets of words and actions not being said because you always thought there would be time. Settle disagreements quickly. Life is so very short.

Trust that Jesus has a plan for your life and He loves you very much!

Jesus can turn any mess into a message and any test into a testimony! #HopeAlwaysHaveFaith

Blessings~Carlene

Tender Mercies

Mercies New Every Morning

Just as the Lord’s mercies are new every morning, I am finding my compassion and mercy must be just as new every day and the events from the previous day must be filed in the crevices of my brain as another day done.

It is so easy to hold onto hurts, hangups, and insecurities and let them fester in our minds. If we dwell on events that have happened days before or years before, we are not living as Jesus Christ wants us to.

Today was a difficult day in our home. For all of us. It didn’t start out that way, most days never do but throw in a child that can meltdown in a moment, and heated words and tempers flared toward one another and you usually have a recipe for disaster. I was reminded of this as my husband attempted to usher our grandson into the house after he climbed down the steps of his school bus with little success. He’s a runner and he loves being outside. After many months of  a cold winter, it’s understandable that he doesn’t want to come into the house, but not only is he not old enough to be outside alone, he has a tendency to run as soon as he can and chasing him around the house or down the street to catch him and encourage him to come inside is less than ideal. It usually requires one of us carrying him in, kicking and screaming, literally.  And as usual, if there are cars passing by or people they may think he is being hurt or abducted. In today’s world, there is always a fear that someone will think that.  And the stares are just as bad as if someone actually says something. Nothing was said, but there were stares and immediately you are on the defense. Even if you don’t want to be. No one, unless they live with an autistic child, can understand the stares or unspoken comments just lingering there.

While we try to calm him and explain why he can’t come outside, the person passing by makes her way to our front door. I opt to be the person to open the door and am ready to matter-of-factly let this person know, everything is ok; he lives here. When she just comes to tell me, I totally understand what you are going through. My child is autistic. At that moment all defensiveness subsides and I am so thankful she chose to come back and speak those words. She stood on my porch for many minutes and we talked about how difficult it is and shook hands knowing that she is not alone in this journey either.

That one event changed the course of our day for all of us. Everyone was on edge for the rest of the day. But we didn’t have to be. We could have chosen to let that moment go and continue with our day; however, no one told our grandson that it was over. He managed to stay in his defiant mood for most of the day. Nothing was going as he wanted, so, therefore, he did what he does. He screamed. He cried. He slammed himself into the wooden gates that separate rooms. He threw a tantrum in the vehicle because he wasn’t getting his way.  I’ll admit there are times like today that I cry inwardly because I know that some of it he can control and other moments the overload is just too much and that is the only way he can react because he is lost inside himself.

We go through this so much, that it is part of our normal. We don’t like to go through it, but some days we get through with showing mercy and grace.  And then there are days like today when a rough day seems to hit all at once and nothing said or done, makes a difference. So I pray, and I seek the Lord. I pray for wisdom and clarity, give me the right words Lord. Help me; help us.

His routine on Tuesday’s is so different from his other days of the week, that right now, Tuesday’s and the weekend days are the hardest. On Monday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, these are his days of joy. He goes to ABA therapy in the afternoon and he loves going and working on new things and learning new ways. But not on Tuesday. On Tuesday he goes to Speech Therapy. He has been going to speech therapy for over 2 1/2 years.  I know there are days he doesn’t want to go. He wants a break. And I will admit, there are days I don’t want to have to go to one more therapy session, but it has helped him so much to develop his language and speak, that we won’t quit or give up or give in.

Three years ago, he didn’t speak. He was nonverbal. He didn’t make eye contact or engage with others. He was in his own little world and very rarely were we let in. Now he wants us to play with him. He loves learning. Putting puzzles together. Counting and reciting his ABC’s. He loves school and although he is developmentally behind his peers, he is catching up. And one day he will get there. I cling to that hope. I cling to the day that his words will be clear and communication will no longer be a problem. The funniest thing is that when he is mad, his words are very concise and clear. It’s only when he gets in a hurry to tell us something, that we struggle with understanding his speech.

We were concerned about how he would react to his new baby sister. Would he hurt her? Would he understand that she is fragile? Would he love her or at least like her? We had nothing to worry about.  He worries when she cries and he tries to soothe her by talking to her or giving her a pacifier. He is so in love with her. And yes, we still have to watch him like a hawk, because there have been times he wants to pick her up from her bassinet and soothe her cries. He loves holding her and rocking her. I know he will always be a great big brother to her and how lucky she is.

As he became sleepy tonight, he made his way to each of us and in a small tearful voice told each one of us he loves us. And as we hugged him, we reassured him we love you too buddy.  Bless his heart. He doesn’t like having bad days either and at least he knows that our love will never change, no matter what his behavior is. He taught me a lot about forgiveness, by saying those three little words.

God’s mercies are new every morning. Ours should be too. We can’t change what happens in the past, whether it’s 5 minutes ago or 5 years ago, but we can change how we respond.

Now, as I sit here and I watch him sleeping, he looks so peaceful. The peace we had hoped would be part of our day, is, just not as we had thought it would be. He’s all boy. He wants to play outdoors, run wild and have fun. He likes picking up sticks and breaking them in half, He tries to help rake the yard and clear all the sticks that have fallen over the winter and early spring storms. Yes, it has made more work for us, but he tries. He hates being indoors, but being outdoors requires preparation. There has to be several of us with him as there are no fences or barriers from him going into the street and he still has no sense of danger.

My challenge to you is this: the next time you are out in your neighborhood or at the store or a local restaurant, don’t be the first to assume that a child is out of control and parents need to take care of that child. They may be doing the best they can with the situation they are given. And remember, God gives us grace daily. Not because we have earned it, but simply because He loves us.

Our charge by the Lord is to love Him and love others. My prayer is that I show the love of Jesus to all I meet and when I fail, grace and mercy will carry me through.

May you know how much Jesus Loves You ~ right now and always. Jesus can turn any mess into a message and any test into a testimony! #HopeAlwaysHaveFaith

Blessings~Carlene

 

 

 

 

Acceptance Is Needed

Genesis 1:27 New Living Translation (NLT)
27 So God created human beings[a] in his own image.
In the image of God he created them;
male and female he created them.

April is Autism Awareness Month, but what I propose is let’s change it to Autism Acceptance month!   Awareness is okay, but acceptance is what is needed.  There are so many autistic individuals that hear ‘there isn’t a cure’ or ‘we don’t know what causes autism’ and for many individuals on the autism spectrum, they don’t want to be cured; they want to be recognized as individuals who have neurological differences and their brains are wired differently, but there isn’t anything wrong with them.  And guess what, they’re right. autism symbol

Tyson is still the same boy we loved before he was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder. He has had many challenges and he will, most likely, face challenges as he grows older because of the autism, but having this neurological disorder doesn’t make him less than someone without it, it just means he needs extra help.

When Tyson was diagnosed in July of 2016, he was diagnosed as level 2, meaning he would require substantial support. He has made great strides through intensive home and outpatient therapy, preschool and has added ABA to his list of supports. He no longer needs PECS (Picture Exchange Communication System) or sign language to communicate as he has found his voice. We are so thankful for and happy for him that he has. Communication is a big component of Autism. Some people are nonverbal indefinitely, other’s use visual supports and sign language or ACC devices to communicate.

sample pecs

Augmentative and alternative communication (AAC) is an umbrella term that encompasses the communication methods used to supplement or replace speech or writing for those with impairments in the production or comprehension of spoken or written language.

Social cues is another big area where many autistic individuals have a difficult time. Depending on the individual they may learn how to ‘act’ like their peers and try to blend in; for others slang language or sarcasm is totally lost on them and they don’t understand why you can’t say what you mean, instead of ‘beating around the bush.’ Just be straight forward and say it! For Tyson, he is a very social person when he knows the people, but when we are in a waiting room or a store, he tends to hide and shy away from people. Too many people cause him to be afraid or have anxiety. Even places we go all the time, like outpatient speech therapy.

Sensory processing comes into play for a lot of individuals on the Autism Spectrum. Everyone is different. Bright lights, loud noises, the hum of fluorescent lights, hair dryers, vacuum cleaners, lots of people talking in a restaurant, too many people in one place –  these are just some of the things people can be overwhelmed by and if they become overstimulated or overloaded, a meltdown may occur.

Our Autism Home

Meltdowns are totally different than temper tantrums. A temper tantrum is a reaction to not getting something you want and a person throwing a fit looking for a reaction or response to it.  A meltdown is a neurological response to overload and they have no control over it happening. A meltdown looks different for every individual.

Stimming is a term that most people don’t understand or understand the reason why many autistic individuals stim. Lots of neurotypical people stim but usually in a more quiet way.  For instance, if you are the type of person that gets nervous in a meeting at work, you may tap your foot or click your pen. But most NT people know when to stop. For autistic individuals, stimming is a way to self-soothe when everything becomes too much to handle. Some people flap their hands, jump up and down, spin around, hum, make noises only known to them and their loved ones, dance and the list goes on. For every individual on the spectrum, there are just as many different ways to stim. The only time I have stopped Tyson from any particular stim is if he will hurt himself. Then redirection is necessary.

The one saying that holds true in the Autism community is “If you have met one person with autism, you have met one person with autism.” There are families with multiple people that have autism and not everyone in the family will deal with the same challenges or respond the same way.  Each case is individual.

The last thing I want to say about this today is please be aware that parents/grandparents/caregivers of children/adults of autism don’t have all the answers, they have the answers that work for their specific human. And sometime’s they don’t even have those. It is very exhausting to fight a system to get services, some due to long waiting lists or fighting with the insurance company to approve it or finding services that will be approved.

There are many different types of therapies that can help people on the spectrum, but not every person needs every therapy available and not every therapy available helps every person. To date, there are no medications for autism. There are many co-morbid conditions that some people with autism have, such as ADHD or anxiety/depression and there are medications for those; as well as many holistic approaches to help people.

The Lord God created all of us.  None of us are exactly alike. All of us are “wired” the way He chose for us to be. Please think about that the next time you meet an individual with who is Autistic.

I know I have only touched on the basics of Autism, but this is only the first of the month.

May you know how much Jesus Loves You! Jesus can turn any mess into a message and any test into a testimony! #HopeAlwaysHave Faith

Many blessings~Carlene

 

 

 

 

 

 

Reflections in My Mind

Psalm 119:169-170 New Living Translation (NLT)
169 O Lord, listen to my cry;
give me the discerning mind you promised.
170 Listen to my prayer;
rescue me as you promised.

I miss working daily.  I don’t miss rising super early while it’s still dark outside, with little traffic to speak of, but I do miss the daily conversations with co-workers and vendors/customers.  I don’t miss working on holidays or funky schedules because of the type of job it was, but being an extrovert and conversationalist, it’s difficult day in and day out to not talk to people, other than your family members you live with. Don’t get me wrong, I love my family.

I don’t miss being in such severe pain that I would cry every day as I limped to my vehicle for the 10-minute ride home.  I often wished my drive home was longer because this was the only time I had to myself throughout my day. Being a people person; never meet a stranger type gal, I still need quiet time for me.  And since retiring with a disability, the only time I get for myself is when I sleep. (I did have one day over the weekend where my husband took the two children for the day to visit other family members and it was very appreciated!)

There is always someone with me. I am very thankful to have my husband with me, as we continue to grow older and blessed that I get to spend all day with two of our grandchildren and our daughter, but there are moments when you just need your own space. And if you are a parent, then you know even going to the bathroom usually means there will be someone following you in to talk with you or “hang” out.  I never fully understood until I had children of my own, what parents meant when they said they couldn’t even hide out in the bathroom. Our children are grown, but inquisitive toddlers don’t understand their presence is not needed every time.

I used to read three to four books at a time, and now I am lucky to get through one chapter of a book in an entire day!  I miss reading like that.  Just immersing myself in a story, envisioning the characters and the scenes, gripping the book in my hands with a feeling of ‘I know I should go to bed but I can’t put it down just yet’ or ‘I’ve got to see how this ends’ mentality. Now I just pray to make it through one chapter and hope that by the time I can pick the book up again, I won’t forget what I read and have to start it over.  It’s so frustrating how my brain has changed since I retired due to my fibromyalgia and other health conditions.

I look back at where I was in 2016, leaving a job of 16 years, with no plans except trusting God for everything, to where I am now and a whole lot has happened in the short amount of time, but Jesus has carried me through every single situation. He has been my strength, my provider in more ways than one, and continues to be available for me every single second of every day.

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Photo by Lynnelle Richardson on Pexels.com

*I was approved for my Social Security Disability within a few months of applying, for the first time on my own. No denial or a need to get an attorney to help me fight, which is all I heard from people when I said I was going to apply.

*Available to help our daughter with her son, after he was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder as he needed substantial support and constant supervision. Read everything I could get my hands on to learn about ASD and did my own type of “homeschool” to help him(this would not have been possible if I had been working full time).

*I wrote and self-published a book about the Jesus and His mercy and grace.

*Met others that live with the same type of health conditions I have so we can offer one another support and encouragement.

*My faith increased as I saw God’s hand in my life and the lives of those I love.

*Drew closer to the Lord through trials and tribulations of going from having an income to no income to a fixed income and thankful for pantries and organizations that help when you need it.

I’ve been blessed to witness so much in our grandson Tyson since his diagnosis in 2016. He was nonverbal. Now he is speaking. He made no eye contact or engaged with others, now he is doing better. He lived in his own world, and now he lets us in.  Every victory, big or small, is celebrated. And when I look back at to where he was at 26 months to now, I am so thankful God has placed the right therapists, doctors and medical support staff in our path.

I’ve sat with my husband at doctor appointments for myself and him, as we navigate the many health issues we have and I am thankful I was able to do that for him and not wonder what is going on, as his memory isn’t what it used to be.

I have seen our older grandchildren blossom into thinkers and doers. Always being kind and helpful to others. Moments that I would have missed had I not retired. But early retirement comes with a price. When it’s not planned and you have no life savings or retirement funds to look forward to, there is always the concern that what will happen if there is an emergency or a crisis.  Even in those moments, the Lord has seen us through.

I miss having a steady income stream. Or should I say I miss my hourly rate of pay? If I were to figure out my monthly disability income as an hourly wage, I would be making a lot less than the federal minimum wage.  And that 2% cost of living increase the federal government was so kind as to give people that receive social security doesn’t even begin to cover anything. But an increase is better than a decrease I guess. Receiving benefits once a month versus weekly or bi-weekly truly teaches the value of money and what you spend your money on.  Going to the movies, out to eat, bowling, museums, etc. that is a rarity. Trying to explain to children why they can’t have a $3 happy meal is difficult some days, but it is not the end of the world. Life goes on.

The one thing I despise is having a chronic condition and going to urgent care or emergency room because the pain you have is something out of the normal for you and if they know you have an autoimmune disorder, many tests/scans that might be done for a person without a chronic invisible illness, presenting with the same complaints and symptoms, isn’t even considered or done because of the chronic condition you have.  Why does the public or medical personnel think that every person with chronic pain related condition is seeking out drugs or medications for pain relief??? Sometime’s all you want is an answer to why you are feeling so poorly and wanting help.  You know it’s not the same kind of pain you live with day in and day out, but once they hear the F word (fibromyalgia) it’s chalked up to that and nothing is done. I know why, so you don’t need to tell me, it really was a rhetorical question.  Because there are many people that have cried wolf one too many times and makes it bad for the rest of us that truly do need help.  I don’t take any kind of pain medication that I can’t purchase over the counter from the pharmacy.  I can’t due to another health condition.

Prayer and focusing on Jesus and His Word carries me every day. I could complain all day long, but it won’t help me feel better.  It will actually suck the life out of me. Focusing on how blessed I am and how thankful and grateful I am makes me feel better, even on pain filled fatigued days.

Yesterday was a pain filled day. It didn’t start out that way, but as the day progressed, the severe muscle spasms that come when they feel like it and leave the same way, almost debilitated me yesterday.  As I was trying to reach something just out of my reach, they started in my abdomen, worked their way under my ribs on both sides and into my back and shoulders.  When these hit, there isn’t one thing that makes them better.  Lots of little things I try: stand up, bend over and hang in that position for a while, press firmly on my sides, try massage, ice packs, heating pads, a lot of breathing in and out slowly much like a woman having contractions in labor. I wish I could just walk them out similar to leg and foot cramps, but I am at the mercy of my body. And as they relaxed to a dull ache, and not a stabbing pain, I was finally able to lay down and rest. I hate when I have days like that. I’ve been dealing with these stupid spasms for over ten years. No one knows why they happen, or how to prevent them. I’m not low on magnesium or potassium, it’s not my heart, it’s just one minor inconvenience of having fibromyalgia.

I do take a supplement that helps with overall pain, but it’s not a cure-all for all my pain.  How I wish it was. But I am very thankful to have it as a tool that I use daily.

I am in the process of listening to the Lord and seeking guidance on writing another book. Not sure when it will happen, if it will happen but I feel a tugging on my heart to do it. I know God gives us the desires of our hearts and the gumption to achieve them.  I am still waiting to discern the topic for the book. My thoughts are jumbled and my spirit believes it has to do with His might and our worth in Him, but forming the words into sentences that make sense and will help others know Him more intimately, are still randomly bouncing around in my mind.

Our homelife recently changed, as our granddaughter Emmalin made her presence known. We are adjusting to having a baby in the house again and loving the fact we can see her daily, but how easy we forget the demands of a new babe and they have no sleep routine yet. They are more powerful than they realize. It’s all good.

As for reading, I am currently reading a book called The Autism Answer by Dr. Frank Lawlis. I will let you know what I think if I finish it.The Autism Answer by Dr Frank Lawlis

It’s only 122 pages long and years ago, I could have read that in a few hours. I have had it since last Friday and only have made it to page 11! So, maybe if the stars align, and Tyson is having a good day, and health problems don’t arise, maybe I will finish it before summer time.

I know this post has been all over the place, but that’s where my mind is today. My husband is having some health issues without any kind of answers and I will not say I am worried because worry gets you nowhere.  I am concerned that no answers of any kind seem to be attainable right now, but I will continue to press into the Lord and seek his guidance and wisdom.

May you know how much Jesus Loves You~right now and always. Jesus can turn any mess into a message and any test into a testimony. #HopeAlwaysHaveFaith

Blessings ~ Carlene