Impulsive Behaviors

I sit here with tears streaming down my face and wonder if we will ever have a peaceful day with Tyson.

I love him but I hate when he destroys things just because. There is no talking about why we don’t break things.

This is the part of adhd and autism I hate. I hope as he grows older it will get better.

I’m tired of this.

Today, I’m praying thru the tears asking God what I am supposed to learn from this~I haven’t a clue right now.

I want our happy go lucky boy back. I miss him.

May you know how much Jesus loves you. He is always available-no appointments necessary.

Jesus can turn any mess into a message and any test into a testimony. #HopeAlwaysHaveFaith

Blessings~Carlene

Life After Sepsis

romans 12 12

 

The Lord is MY helper, MY portion, MY everything. No matter how dark things have been in my life, the one thing, many times the only thing that gets me through it,is Jesus. I love that not only is my Savior, my Creator and the Omnipresent I AM, he is also my friend and loves when we talk and when we sit together in the stillness.

I find myself daily apologizing to my family and friends, but most of the time, my family for the bone-tired feelings I get. Some days I only want to rest, and do absolutely nothing else. These are the days where as soon as I sit or lay down, I’m out. Mid conversation some days. Insomnia is now part of my new normal and I do not like it at all. But, until I can figure how to beat it, I just have to live with it.

My thoughts are many people are of the opinion, you had sepsis. You survived. That’s great. Let’s move on. I wish it was that simple. Truly I do. But many days it is not. It is always at the forefront of my mind, what happens if I get it again. How will it affect me then? And for many of us that have lived to tell about having Sepsis, Septic Shock, Septicemia (the terms are interchangeable) it is a reality we face daily.

My maternal grandfather died of sepsis. At age 14 I knew it was some type of blood poisoning, but that was all I knew. After having survived it, I know that any infection that we have in our bodies, can get into our bloodstream and our system starts shutting down and going into organ failure as a response to the infection.  Sepsis is a life-threatening condition that arises when the body’s response to infection causes injury to its own tissues and organs. And it does not discriminate. Anyone can get it. For more detailed information about Sepsis, visit The Sepsis Alliance.

The day before this all happened. Before I was in a near-death state, nothing seemed out of the ordinary. I stayed up till 10p.m. turned in for the night and that’s when life hit some pretty big bumps, but I didn’t realize it then. I became cold, so cold that no amount of blankets was helping to warm me up. I shivered for several hours, determined that whatever was happening was just a really bad cold and it would be better by morning. I had chills like this in the past and lived. I was up and down to the bathroom several times, but that didn’t seem out of the norm for me, so I just kept hanging on. The next day waking up, I was still cold, but not freezing. I assumed I must have had a fever and it must have broke and that was the reason for no shivering chills. As I descended the stairs, I kept thinking I felt like “death”. I knew whatever kind of bug it was, it would eventually be okay.  How little did I know, I was closer to death than I would have ever imagined.

I recall the paramedics taking me to the cot and when they lifted my legs on the cot, the pain was unbearable. I screamed in response to the pain, having no idea why that hurt so bad. It seems cellulitis had appeared overnight and my leg was severely inflamed. I still had that elusive fever I thought I had shaken and my blood pressure was seriously low (60/40). The next five days were a blur. I can recall bits and snippets but full days are lost. I remember being moved from the step-down unit to regular room and the fear that I would lose my leg if they couldn’t get the infection under control.

I had lived through so many cellulitis infections that I had taken for granted how serious it could be and was. The pain after those first 5 days in the hospital was something I hope I never have to endure again. Therapists would come in the room and want me to try and stand/walk on it and I felt like a baby because I couldn’t. I wasn’t one of these people that whines when I am in pain, very often. I have lived with Fibromyalgia for over 10 years and I have learned to deal with pain every single day, but this pain was something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. My total days in the hospital was only 14. I know two weeks seems like a lot, but not when you have Sepsis/Septic Shock. The miracle is you survived. What the doctors fail to tell you is that your life will never be the same again.

Here I am, Post Severe Sepsis 7 months and 6 days and while I am thankful for the Lord keeping me here and alive, I miss the old me. I NEVER had panic attacks or any type of anxiety that couldn’t be calmed by the Lord and His Word. My memory was rock solid. I slept. Insomnia and I had never met. Fatigue, I thought I knew what that was, that’s part of the fibromyalgia too, along with brain fog. In that sense, knowing what it was and living with it for the past 12 years prepared me. I didn’t have to wonder why, in mid-sentence or thought I would just forget. I simply have no idea what I am doing or why and most days I just have to let it go. Trying to remember makes it worse. It reminds me of what I have lost.

Losing my short term memory is like watching my grandmother and father in law grope their minds when they were dying with Alzheimer’s disease. I hate the feeling. I despise asking family members to remind me what they might have just told me 10 minutes ago because I need to write it down or put it in my calendar. And some days, mid-thought I can’t speak what I want because of the word being just out of my reach. It is so frustrating to me. Or worse yet, I start to tell someone something I already told them but have no memory of the conversation.

I am cold 99% of the time. This part of me hasn’t really changed that much as I have always been cold due to not having my thyroid anymore and relying on medication levels to keep everything in check.

I really need to get my hearing checked. I have always been known as a loud person. Unfortunately, since sepsis, I am super loud, but don’t realize it. My husband and children are always telling me to stop yelling. I have no idea I am. I can still hear everything ok, just not my voice. To me, my voice sounds perfectly normal. I cringe when I am out alone because I have no idea if I seem to be shouting or not. No one ever says.

The fear of getting sepsis again is pretty huge. I don’t talk about it much because dwelling on any one thing, is not healthy. And since my first bout when I was in Severe Septic Shock, I have already had another Septic infection. That landed me three days in the hospital. My big sign is shivering/chills that won’t go away. I wait a few hours and if not better, head to the ER because I know I need those IV antibiotics sooner than later.

I should have known to go to the emergency room that day when I awoke. I did not urinate all day long. That should have been a red flag that something was wrong. The fact that I didn’t want food or drink of any kind, at all, should have been a red flag, but I was so sick by morning, that I was confused and lethargic by that point. I’m very thankful my husband was home and knew something wasn’t right. Had I been home alone, I wouldn’t have lived to write this.

And I will keep writing about it and spreading awareness. Sepsis kills over 250,000 people in the United States alone every year, millions globally. sepsis org

God gives us one life to live. We must use our gifts and talents as a service to others. My prayer is that I will never have to say I survived Sepsis again for a third time.

I belong to a Post Sepsis support group and I am glad to know that the many concerns I have, how much I have changed, it’s all our new normal. If normal is such a thing. I miss the old me, but in having to take small steps to make it back, I have learned to appreciate life more and not take it for granted. And someday, I hope to make it through a whole day without a nap. That’s my goal for now.

May you know that Jesus is here for you, every single second of your day. When you need him, he’s always available. He loves you~so very much. Jesus can turn any test into a testimony and any mess into a message. #HopeAlwaysHaveFaith

Blessings to you ~ Carlene

 

 

 

 

Clean Slate

As 2019 draws to a close, my prayer for each of you is that 2020 will be your best year yet.

Sickness plagued me the last half of the year. And as I continue to recover this blog has suffered too.

It is my fervent prayer that not only will you see God in every detail of your life you will also sense Him with you always.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!
2 Corinthians 5:17 NIV

2020 is but moments away…a Clean slate to write your story.

May you always know how much Jesus loves you! He can turn any mess into a message and any test we face into a testimony!

#HopeAlwaysHaveFaith

Happy New Year 2020!

Blessings,

Carlene

Blessed Beyond Measure

You never know how much you’re blessed until you feel it slipping from your grasp.

First and foremost, Happy Belated Thanksgiving from my family to yours. I pray you were able to spend it with people you cherish and love.

I was very blessed to have a day with many family members at our Mom’s new place. Our first Thanksgiving with her in 17 years with all the delicious foods made from scratch with love.

Having fun watching a fourth generation child learn old and new traditions and be a part of them! Making memories was the best part of the day!!! We missed our family that couldn’t join in this year.

The following morning, while crazy shoppers were out getting bargains of a lifetime, I slept in. After working 16 years in retail Black Friday will always be a memory. No sale is enough to be out in those crowds. At least that’s how I see it right now. And never say never because you just never know. But not this year, for sure.

It was a good thing I chose to forego the Black Friday sales aa my body had other plans.

Most of you know about the sepsis and the after effects. The “panic attacks” are terrible. No warning. Just come out of nowhere. Shortness of breath, dizziness and racy heart with chest pains. But the breathing technique taught by a physical therapist usually relieves those panic attacks. After two hours of a racing heart, pounding as if it would jump from my chest from just sitting and resting; I finally allowed my mom to call 911.

It turns out I had an episode of atrial fibrillation or AFib.It’s when your heart rhythm is irregular and for me it was beating very fast (188bpm) (normal is 60-100).

I was frightened because I knew that was way too high for my pulse rate and I stressed about riding in the ambulance. The medics were amazing. Mark and Danny, the paramedics from Huber Heights Medic 25 were great!! They kept me calm as they got me to the hospital.

So two nights in the hospital with new medications; my heart is back in sinus rhythm and prayerfully I hope that NEVER happens again. If it does, at least I will know what is happening.

Once again, I was reminded how blessed and loved I am. The feeling of acceptance by others truly fuels my soul. Being part of community with people I love and care about just as much.

God created all of us to be part of something bigger. Community~relationship~living life with others.

Please don’t take life for granted. You get one chance. Take care of you and the people you love. Cherish them. Let them know now. Life is too short to be wasted.

May you know how much Jesus loves you~now and always. He can turn any mess into a message and any test into a testimony.#HOPEALWAYSHAVEFAITH

Blessings~Carlene

 

 

 

 

 

 

My Mind

Hello everyone! I am still here. I am finding it much more difficult to write because focusing and concentrating requires a lot more effort than I have ever had to have, until now. Many days God brings to mind something he wants me to share with you and by the time it is quiet and I can sit down to write, the words are all jumbled in my mind. I know the message is important, but the ease at which I wrote before, isn’t there. It comes in bits and pieces and now I am having to write it down and hope that when I choose to share, it will make sense to you as it does to me.

autumn ripples

I am a person, that admittedly, likes to be in control of at least me and my thoughts. And it’s been hard to put the words into a sentence or paragraph that makes sense.

Romans 8:26 New Living Translation (NLT)
26 And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don’t know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words.

I am thankful that when I don’t know the words to use, The Holy Spirit intercedes for me with the Father, Christ Jesus our Lord and shares my prayers and cries. If you know Jesus and have a relationship with Him, he already knows all your needs, but he wants you to tell him and share with him just as you would with your closest friend. He wants to hear about all of your life, the good times, as well as the trying times. Many people cry out in prayer to the Father only when things aren’t going well or they really need his help, but He also wants to share in your joys! And if He doesn’t answer your prayers as you want, then many times, the faith you have suffers, because why would a good God allow bad things to happen? That is the question of the ages. God’s ways are not our own. No matter how much we try and see it from a perspective of God, we will never understand it. There are many mysteries that will not be revealed until He is ready to reveal them.

Ecclesiastes 11:5 New Living Translation (NLT)
5 Just as you cannot understand the path of the wind or the mystery of a tiny baby growing in its mother’s womb,[a] so you cannot understand the activity of God, who does all things.

And just as I don’t understand why my mind is affected in this way as a result of surviving sepsis, I know that God has a plan and I will continue to trust Him as it unfolds. Sometime’s we have to get to the end of ourselves, so we can see God working in our lives. To fully rely on Him, means we must be willing to give up what we think is best and trust Him.

It is and can be scary, the unknown; but God will never put you in harm’s way and never allow the temptation to be more than you can bear.

1 Corinthians 10:13 English Standard Version (ESV)
13 No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation, he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

No matter what challenge you are facing today or heartache, please know Jesus Loves you too much to leave you where you are at. He is always with you. Jesus can turn any mess in your life into a message and any test you face into a testimony! Never give up. Jesus loves you!#HopeAlwaysHaveFaith

Blessings until next time~Carlene

 

 

 

Before & After

bEFORE AND aFTER

 

I’ve read that when people grieve they can break it down into two times. Before and After. Before the loss and after the loss. I know this is true. I also know that this just doesn’t apply to the loss of a loved one. It’s also the loss of a function.

Before sepsis, my memory was rock solid. Retaining anything was easy. Sometime’s I had to write it down, but once I had spoken it, read it or wrote it, it was easy to remember. After sepsis, I am finding that the only short term memory I have is in the moment. The moment it is being read, written down or spoken. THIS frustrates me so much, I don’t even know the proper way to express it as to how much it does.  I need notes to remind me that I know something and even then the notes aren’t always helpful.  Memory has never been something I have had trouble with and now anything that happened before sepsis is easily pulled from my memory and easily shared. After the illness and hospital stay, everything spoken or read becomes lost. And it’s scary.

As I sit and read The Word, I am glad that I knew God, Jesus and His Word before sepsis, otherwise, I might read something but have no way of retaining it or understanding it.

In His Word, it tells us to be thankful in all circumstances, with prayer and petition.

Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.-1 Thessalonians 5:18 NLT

I wouldn’t wish this life-changing sepsis (aka septic shock/septicemia) on anyone. It is dangerously devastating to your body, mind and can be fatal if not caught in time. However, going through this almost fatal health scare( had I not went to the hospital at the time I did, I would have died)  has taught me to take care of my needs and myself: physically, mentally and most of all spiritually. To be thankful and content in and at all times. To be grateful and have a heart of gratitude for what I do have, for the millions of blessings God bestows upon me daily and for the many times he has kept me from harm.

Many things have changed in me and for me since before and after sepsis, but I am glad to still be here, very much alive, working on progressing to wellness again and thankful I can still share about Jesus and the love he has for all of us.

There are many things we go through and the one thing I have learned through all the painful pruning the Lord does with me is everything is for a purpose and a plan. His purpose and His plans. He continues to work in and through me, and in and through my pastors, friends and family members to teach and rebuke me when needed, to encourage me and strengthen me when I am weak and to continually pour out His peace and His joy and His love into me and my life.

Refining and purifying is a painful process. But in order for you and me to bear good fruit to share with others, we have to go through these processes and weed out what is not from Him. As you grow in your faith, there will be many things you will go through and each one will shape you into the person God has created you to be. I am working on not being resistant to the process. Some moments are more painful than others, but all are necessary.

May you know how much Jesus loves you~right now and always. Jesus Christ is my everything and that is one thing that has not changed. He was my everything before sepsis and He is my everything after sepsis. Having sepsis and recovering from it, has made me realize how much I rely on Jesus and how difficult it would be for me to make it through the rough days without it. I am so thankful I have my Savior, Jesus Christ with me daily.

Blessings~Carlene

Darkness

In a moment of intense hurt, heated words and threats were voiced. Witnessing physical  violence between people you love isn’t something any one ever wants to see.

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.
John 10:10 NIV
Darkness is looming here. Apology was not accepted as I hoped.

As I process all that has happened, I fervently pray God will help me through it all.

I am a Christian. I am not perfect. I am definitely capable of screwing up and making mistakes.

But the Lord is faithful, and he will strengthen you and protect you from the evil one.
2 Thessalonians 3:3 NIV

My heart is broken and shattered. Jesus will help me. I know that to be true.

May you know how much Jesus loves you. He can turn any mess into a message, any test into a testimony.

#HOPEALWAYSHAVEFAITH

Blessings~Carlene