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Free Me From This Prison

Every single second of every day I pray for a reprieve from this insidious pain I live with, called my body.

Fibromyalgia Prison

Today is a very high level pain day for me and normally I wouldn’t even feel like sitting at the computer, but sitting here is the only place I have felt any comfort today. Comforted knowing that I am not the only one in the world crying out to Jesus and asking for the pain to lessen or better yet, stop.

Living with chronic illness never gets any better, but there are days that are bearable.

Sometimes, I wonder what I did to deserve this pain. Before I had FM, I thought there is no way someone could be in as much pain as I had heard, but I received a strong lesson in assuming once it wracked my body.

Getting a reprieve from the pain and fatique, if only for a day would be so great. The problem with feeling good on low level pain days is I tend to go for the gusto and overdue it, but I don’t realize I overdid it until it is way too late to stop. Several weeks ago, I was able to go grocery shopping and make it through the entire store and not have to sit down. I was able to go for over an hour that day and then, even though my energy levels were draining, I came home and did housework. That was over 3 weeks ago.

Today, I got dressed and went one place and was only there for a total of 5 minutes, came home and feel like I have ran a marathon.  There is no rhyme or reason to this disorder. Fibromyalgia has its own set of symptoms, as many as 250, it’s different for everyone. Right now the vice like gripping pain in my rib cage and the tingling, burning sensations in my legs is just about enough to send me over the edge.

I don’t have the luxury of laying down right now and I am so close to just giving up, it’s not even funny. I am an optimistic person and for me to feel this bad, and express it to anyone, especially where hundreds of people may read it, tells me I have let my pain levels get too high.  It is entirely my fault. If I would learn that the dishes can wait, the laundry piled up can wait, I wouldn’t be where I am today.

Normally my glass is half full, but today it is empty. I do not like this disorder and I do not like feeling this way.  I am so very tired of my body and all it’s nerves and muscles punishing me daily because I choose to live, as best I can, instead of allowing this illness to confine me to a bed. So, yes, a reprieve would be nice every now and then.

 

Psalm 18:1New Living Translation (NLT)

1 I love you, Lord;
you are my strength.

You, Lord, are my strength. You carry me all the days of my life. I cry out to You, Jesus. Help me to endure this torment that is within me.

May you know how much Jesus Loves You!

Thanks for letting me share my thoughts.

Blessings to all!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

via Daily Prompt: Reprieve

Focus on The One

Sleep was erratic. Seals  were broken numerous times.  Excuses danced around in my mind.  The alarm sounded.  As I flipped back the covers and swung my legs over the side of my bed this morning, I thought of all the reasons I could stay home and not venture out into the cold, brisk air. For a split second, the idea of burrowing under the covers for the remainder of the day was very appealing to me.love-1221444_640

That’s exactly what the devil wanted. Not today Satan.

As I slowly and purposely maneuvered down each stair step, and secretly wished I could just bound up and down the stairs as I used to, I found our grandson waiting at the bottom – arms outstretched wanting to be picked up with the cutest smile on his face. At that very moment, I thanked Jesus for the blessings he gives me daily. I couldn’t wait to get to church and spend some time praising and worshipping the King of Kings!

Winding my way through the maze of people at church, chatting it up with friends and giving and receiving hugs, I found my way to our seats.  As I juggled my handbag, several coats and a cup of hot tea, I placed my cane on the chair in front of me.  I knew I would need it. Most Sunday’s  I choose to sit and sing from my seat during worship  times. It’s an easy way for me to take a break from the pain I have; today I chose to honor the Lord with ALL I have and ALL I am. And as I stood and sung with every fiber of by being, my heart swelled; my pain was there, but it wasn’t so unbearable that I couldn’t stand through  a few songs.  Thoughts tried to break through saying, ‘you know you would feel better if you sit down.’  Not today Satan.

Lately, I have found that if I allow the stress of my day to gnaw at me and I don’t let it roll off of me and give it to Jesus, the devil comes along and tries to steal my joy. I can stand firm in my faith and know that Jesus is working everything out for me.  I am learning that how I look at life, is quite different from other people in my life see it and I can do my best to understand things from their point of view or I can allow Satan to work on us and allow bitterness to take hold and bickering to ensue to the point that I don’t care what happens in those relationships. The enemy is good at plotting and destruction. I can say  ‘Not today Satan.’

God tells us in His word that the devil comes to steal, kill and destroy, but that He came to give us life abundantly.

 

John 10:10 New American Standard Bible (NASB)

10 The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they (A)may have life, and [a]have it abundantly.

 

When I chose to follow Jesus as my Savior, my life became abundant in blessings and favor I would never had seen otherwise. God loves us and he gave us the best gift we could ever have. His son. I always have a choice and so do you.

Last week, I melted. If tears could cause a person to dissolve, I would’ve been a puddle for sure. I do my best to  stay focused on the Lord, but sometimes life gets the best of me. I forget to turn it ALL over to the Lord. I pray, but I don’t realize that I need to totally surrender to the Lord. He already knows what I need.

I can choose to see all the things I need to work on in my life as dead ends OR I can choose to see how many times Jesus has carried me in the palm of His hand, when I was too weak to take that next step. As I allow the Lord to soften my heart and show love and kindness, as he did, the walls of anger and resentment start to fall away.

We must keep our eyes on Jesus. We must trust in His Word for us. His love endures forever. So the next time, you feel like you’re being pulled into a direction that is not of the Lord, simply stand firm in your faith and declare – Not today Satan.

 

Lord Jesus,

Thank you for my life. Thank you for your grace and mercy. Thank you for dying on the cross and shedding your blood from me. Lord forgive me when I fail to remember that you are with me . When I am weak and have no strength; you are my strength. When I am tired; you give me rest. When I am sad; you are my joy. When life is coming at me from all sides; you are my peace.  Father God, thank you so much for sticking with me through thick and thin.

In your Mighty name Jesus, Amen

Remember, Jesus Loves you! Blessings to you and yours today!

 

 

 

 

Four Days

In four days from today, my father, Robert will have been gone a year. It doesn’t seem like it has been a year already. He is in his Heavenly home and someday we will meet again.

I sense his presence in my home. Maybe it’s wishful thinking that he is here; maybe not. I have never been good at keeping indoor plants thriving. I have two special plants in my kitchen window. The smaller plant was gifted to our daughter on the birth of her son by my parents.  We transplanted it into a pot when we got home and it has taken off and continues to amaze me at its growth. The larger pot holds a plant from my father’s memorial service. Tall green leaves, flowing up out of the plant with white blooms. Did it have the blooms a year ago? I really can’t recall. I have never seen any blooms on it, until today. Knowing nothing about either plant, except they hold special memories in my heart, I can’ quite grasp if the flowering blooms are part of the plant and they only bloom once a year or if maybe it is a signal from my father that life goes on.

And our lives have gone on. Do we have days when we struggle and wonder why he had to leave us so early? Most certainly. Did he leave us a legacy of love and loving others? You bet he did. My father could be a very stubborn man, but he loved everyone. Not just some people, but everyone. And I think back on my life with him and how many ups and downs we had, but never once did I doubt his love for me.Ever.

He was in poor health near the end of his life here on earth. He lived as he wanted and did things his way, always. So frustrating at times, but I seem to be falling into his footsteps when it comes to the way I live my life. I am not always healthy in my eating or how I treat myself. I have smoked for many years and now, it is hindering my life. I am in the process of quitting for good because I still have too many things I hope to accomplish for Jesus; and that’s quite hard to do if I am not around. The addiction is so overwhelming, but I know that in the Bible, Philippians 4:13 it says “I can do all things through Jesus Christ, he strengthens me.”

If I confess that Jesus is Lord and believe it with my entire mind, soul and heart, than I know that Jesus will help me beat this addiction. I have quit various times in the last 30 years that I have had this disgusting habit. Yes it disgusts me. I don’t like how I smell, how my clothes smell and how it has affected my health. I know that food tastes better and I feel better when I don’t smoke. And the enemy knows that too.

Each time I was pregnant (3x), I stopped smoking immediately. I wanted to give my unborn child every advantage and make sure that I wasn’t the cause of anything wrong with them. I eventually would restart this nasty habit, because I could rationalize away how good it made me feel. Or when the price goes up, I will quit, I would tell myself. But the addiction to the nicotine is so darn strong, eventually my willpower was not enough.

My longest period of stopping smoking (cigarettes only) was in 2012. After 26 years, I was ready to stop. With the help of a cessation program and nicotine patches, I was smoke free in 5 1/2 weeks. For three years I felt great. I didn’t cough and sound like I was literally going to cough up a lung. I could breathe and when I walked, I didn’t have to stop and catch my breath.

As my father’s health deteriorated in 2015, I became stressed and worried. Instead of turning to friends for support, I lit up again and it’s been ongoing since then. I now smoke more than I ever have in my life and it is slowly killing me. For the last week, I have been miserable. I have developed COPD, Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease; much of which can be attributed to the many years of smoking cigarettes and other respiratory infections I have no control over. But I do have control whether I light up or not.

As the lightbulb went off in my head, I realized that I can’t do anything in my own strength. To seriously think that I can, I am fooling myself. But with Jesus I can do anything, because He is my strength. His power is made perfect in my weaknesses. This is the biggest stronghold the enemy has over me and it stops today.

I have decided I am worth more than a pack of cigarettes. I know it won’t be easy. Anything worth having, never is. But I know it will be worth it.  I pray that my breathing difficulties will improve, my blood pressure will be lowered and a ton of other health problems I have may just get better since I am not inhaling over 7000+ toxic chemicals, each time I decide to take a puff. It took me reflecting on how my father struggled those last months, how his breathing was. He quit smoking years ago, but it still affected him in the end. He struggled to walk and breath at the same time. His problems came from his heart failing, but surely as I sit here and know how long he lit up in his life, I know I am headed for the same kind of life ending disease. I hope I am not too late to finally turn it over to Jesus and get on with living.no-more-smokes

No matter what you are facing in your life, whether it’s an addiction to alcohol, drugs, tobacco products, food, wrong friendships and relationships–Jesus can help you with all of them. You just have to get your head screwed on straight and your heart right with the Lord. Seek him out, trust that HE is enough for anything you need. And remember this also, You are created in the image of God. He loves you! You are his child and HE wants only the very best for your life.

To find help for the addiction of Cigarette Smoking, check out Quitting Smoking and good luck! You can do it and so can I. Aren’t we worth it?

If you would like to find a Christ centered recovery program in your area, go to Celebrate Recovery website to find more information of programs in your area.

May you be blessed and know how much Jesus Loves You!

~Carlene