Undefined Chaos

I miss my laptop. I know its just an electronic device, but as someone that loves to write, and share my thoughts, I’ve come to realize how dependent I had become on that somewhat portable device. Yes, I can use my cell phone, as I am now but its difficult when the hard drive on your computer has all your reference material, media and other information you’ve saved that you may need. My memory on my phone obviously cannot hold as much. In the grand scheme of life though, it is very trivial to many problems others face.

I can use my husband’s computer but only if Tyson is sleeping because there are too many “cool” things he can get into in that space. And let’s face it, if you parent or care for a child on the autism spectrum when they rest, you either rest too or you clean and do things that need done that you can’t accomplish while they are awake.

This week has been a challenge. The local school system has been on Spring Break and the thought of getting any kind of break has been just that – a thought.

Tyson and I have been passing a cold back and forth between each other and I am so ready for it to be gone. When feeling under the weather, cleaning really becomes a chore.

Its almost 2a.m. here and he is wide awake! He’s currently taking my Crayola markers and stacking them together and showing me how high he can stack them. And exclaiming, “really tall”. I’ve tried several times unsuccessfully to remove them and put them up but he will have no part of it. I use them to color with, he uses them to line up and stack. He doesn’t want to go to bed, but I sense he’s wearing down. He stops what he’s doing and comes over to me and wants my hair down out of the ponytail so he can play with my hair. We have speech therapy in less than 8 hours and he’s not even asleep yet! His sleep schedule is getting worse by the day. Something has to give. Its not good for either one of us to have little sleep but it really isn’t good for him because it can bring on a seizure if he’s overly tired.

He’s become more aggressive than he used to be. Headbutting and hitting in the face and holding him tight doesn’t work as well as it used to. I’m praying his Developmental Pediatrician will have some answers or solutions so he can get back on a better schedule than we’ve had this week. For both of us.

He can’t be put to bed in a separate room to sleep in because the minute you put him in the bed, he’s messing with everything, pulling clothes out of dressers attempting to unplug lamps.etc., climbing and jumping,  removing hot bulbs from lamps, opening lotion bottles dumping them..and the lists goes on. If you lay with him, you become the object he jumps on, climbs on, pulls your hair and again no sleep.

The music is playing in the background now, soothing in hopes he will start to unwind and want to sleep. The only light in the room is the glow from this tiny screen. He’s still full steam ahead.

I know I’m rambling and I apologize. He’s my 24 hour job. I love him. I wouldn’t even want to imagine my life without him, but he is ALWAYS busy. My house always looks like there have been a multitude of children here, while there has only been one. Dishes and laundry get done on a regular basis when my husband is home because Ty knows how to climb out of his five point harness chair. Or done in the middle of the night when everyone is asleep and I should be sleeping.

Every child is a gift from above. I know God never gives us more than we can bear because in those times where we feel all alone and helpless, those are the times He wants us to allow Him in. God wants us, all of us. He is our strength our joy and our peace. Jesus gets me through all the craziness and chaos. Even now. Even when my eyes are heavy and sleep is at hand and I have a 3 1/2 old crying out “no bedtime.”

I’m learning to embrace all these moments. To savor the mess and all that comes with it and to realize His grace is enough. In every moment.

May you know how much Jesus loves you. In every messy moment of this thing called life. Cry out to Him. He is always listening.

Blessings from me and Ty.c046dec741cdaaaeb6e5bb14f47afc91

 

 

 

 

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Living with Purpose

For many years, I have believed that I was living with purpose and living out the plan and purposes that God has for me and my life.  I love to encourage others to stretch themselves and their faith, and to realize that our faith isn’t dependent on what we do, but what God does in our lives.

Seek Him

God calls us to be bold and to live abundantly, to trust Him for everything we need; HE will always go before us, and HE will equip us with what we need to achieve anything, but we have to have faith in Him.

How many times, in your life do you pray fervently, but see no results? How many days are you down on your knees, pleading with God to help you figure out what you are going through and why are you going through it and what possible purpose will it serve for you to go through the pain and agony you are going through? Often times, what we face in life, our challenges, struggles, our victories, are all leading up to glorifying God and being thankful and grateful that He allows us to go through this things so we can learn to comfort and bless others with our own stories.   The challenge for those of us that are so used to getting quick fixes to problems, is those quick fixes may be temporary solutions to long-term problems. God isn’t here for just a quick fix, he’s here for the long haul. From birth to death and into eternity.  He’s not the type of God that gives you a one time fix and says, “that’s it, you’ve reached your allotment for life, now go figure the rest out on your own, been nice knowing you.”

He is the type of Heavenly Father that weeps when you weep and cheers when you succeed. He loves you with a love like no other and all he asks in return is that you choose Him over anyone or anything else. That you choose to follow Him, to listen to what he tells you and to do two main things: Love Him with everything you are and everything you have and love others.  I have spoken on this before, but I think it is so important that it is repeated until everyone understands and grasps the simplicity of what HE wants from us. Because once you get that, once you understand that Love and everything that comes out of a true, selfless loving heart than you have everything you need to do His work.  And His work will look different in every single life. He calls us to walk with Him, to have a relationship with Him and I know from my own personal experiences in this life when I am walking with Jesus, I see things differently and have a more compassionate heart for people and their struggles.  He doesn’t want us to walk in fear or a belief that I am not good enough, I can’t do this or I can’t do that.  Moses didn’t think he could lead God’s people Israel out of Egpyt, but he did. But it took convincing from God that even though he did not think he was strong enough or people would listen to him, God went before Him and God equipped Moses for everything he needed to do for the Kingdom.

 

I have been reminded of this fact lately in my own life. As many of you know, I have struggled with living in chronic pain for over the last 7+ years.  And I have had to change my way of doing many things and learn to adapt to new circumstances that were entirely out of my control and not only was it very depressing to me, and people that knew and love me, but it was a tremendous burden to my spirit that I could not provide for my family or help with the household income.  And I had pretty much given up any hope of ever feeling truly alive again. I didn’t give up on my faith, my faith in God and His promises is the ONE thing that kept me going. I knew without a shred of doubt that HE has a plan for my life and His plans are always so much bigger than I will ever be able to see.  I also know that if I were to know everything that I would go through and will still go through, it would be too overwhelming for me to handle. So living into my purpose comes in pieces that are tangible for me to understand and grab hold of. And that is why I am who I am and God is who He is. He knows just exactly what I need at the moment and He knows just what you need, nothing more, nothing less.

In June of this year, I received an amazing gift of love from a dear friend that has changed my life forever. I no longer suffer from chronic pain, fatigue or the many other symptoms I was experiencing and I want to share what has helped me to feel alive again and better than I ever have. I want others that suffer from chronic health problems, that believe that all hope is lost and they are destined to continue on the path of pain, fatigue, depression, irritable bowel symptoms, allergies too many to mention, that need to get themselves healthy but have no idea how to do it. I want to share with others that this is not a quick fix or a magic pill you take, and all is better. I want to educate others, as I have learned that many of the autoimmune disorders that people live with and are diagnosed with every single day, can be helped if they understand how their body functions and works. People that want to not only be in their children’s and families lives but actually be able to participate in their lives and be part of them and trust me when I say there is a difference. Watching from the couch or sidelines isn’t a way to live. I did that for many years. I could make plans and then have to cancel them because I just didn’t have the energy required to even get dressed, let alone go anywhere.

Eleanor Roosevelt quote

And I am the type of person when I have something to share, that I believe will benefit others, I want to shout it from the rooftops, and the valleys, but I too struggle with wondering if my voice will be heard. I am human. I have learned that just because people reject what I am sharing with them, doesn’t mean they are rejecting me. And as I grow into this new person I am becoming and learning to love the body I am in, finally, I know that I am doing what I am called to do. Every day when I meet with God in prayer, he confirms this is where He wants me right now. Life is a journey, full of dull, sad, exciting, transforming and unexpected moments.

faith

Had I not chosen to accept a gift of love over 4 months ago, I might still be sitting on the sidelines wondering what it was like to be living life to the fullest every day.  I chose to trust God that His plan was bigger than I could see or envision.  And as I continue to trust in Him, I know that He is using these amazing new products to heal my body from the inside out. I would love to help you if you want to be the best version of you. I would love to know how I can serve you and be a blessing to you, just as my friend was a blessing to me. When you are ready to take your health back and in turn live your best life ever, let me know. I am here and I would love to walk with you in your journey to better health and happiness.

May you always know how much Jesus Loves You and he will meet you right where you are!

Blessings to all of you~thanks for stopping by.

#HopeAlwaysHaveFaith

 

Fibromyalgia~Not for the Faint of Heart

FibroWarrior

Living with fibromyalgia isn’t for the faint of heart. You learn to live with a high pain tolerance, otherwise, you would never get out of bed. The television commercials, saying fibromyalgia is a disorder with widespread pain doesn’t even begin to describe the pain and makes it seem that there is no way you can all over body pain at once, but you do.

Just being bumped into, can send shockwaves through your nervous system and can start a chain of events. Most times I have to still myself and breathe deeply to get past it. Today is a moderate pain day, but my energy levels are almost non-existent. I did manage to get dressed and eat some breakfast/lunch.

I made the mistake of thinking I could accomplish what needed to be done over the weekend and doing it on the same day instead of breaking it down into two or three days. I miss having a clean home. So, I set to task to cleaning and putting away toys that a three-year-old think it is okay to string through the house. Then came folding a week’s worth of laundry for a family of four, because it was getting harder and harder to find clothing items, without digging through 4 baskets of laundry. I played with said three years old, and him climbing on me and jumping up and down, big hugs and squeezes. He is full of energy and I fake it a lot.

Dishes had piled up in the kitchen, recyclables sat everywhere that need rinsed out, and placed in the bin. The floor needed cleaning. Two hours later the kitchen was cleaned. You can’t tell it now, it looks like I haven’t touched it.

What normally would have taken two to three hours max to clean, took almost 8. The constant need to sit down and take a break is ever present. Standing for more than 10 minutes at a time causes burning and searing pain in my lower back causes excruciating pain in my hips and legs. My legs and feet swell if I am up on them for any length of time and my skin stretches so tight my leg weeps. Even my legs “cry” because of the pain. Today, I have been sitting trying to rest and store up any small amount of energy so I can go to my women’s group at church tonight. If I do anything, I won’t have enough to drive up there and walk in. Dusting hasn’t even happened yet this week. I see it needs to be done, but that requires more energy than I have.

I have incessant itching on my arms and back, daily. Although I use prescribed lotions to help, it doesn’t take away the itching. Raw spots appear, followed by scabs. My arms look like a war zone, so when I go out I wear long sleeve shirts even if it is warm out, fewer questions and embarrassment to deal with.

Sleep patterns are no longer restful sleep. When I was working full time, I would be severely depleted when I came home and by the time dinner and bath time was over, sleep was not a problem. Now insomnia attacks daily. As a person that also suffers from severe sleep apnea, not only do I use a CPAP machine at night to help keep my airway open, in the attempts to achieve REM sleep, the restorative sleep our bodies need, I also must use supplemental oxygen, because without it ,my oxygen levels in my blood drop to dangerously low levels. My oxygen levels drop to 60%. It should be at 92% or higher. It is so frustrating. I can feel exhausted and just want to go to bed and then once I am there, I can’t sleep. I have learned sleeping without my CPAP causes a whole host of other problems. Headaches, body cramps, confusion, extreme fatigue. It’s like sleeping without any oxygen coursing through your veins. Almost a lifeless state. And days after that occurs, you literally drag yourself to just function. Doing anything that requires attention to detail, can cause you to nod off. It is not a way to live.

When I first wake up in the morning, I have a hard time focusing, even with my eyeglasses on. My eyes feel like there is a haze glued to them and it takes almost 30-40 minutes before objects are clear enough to see.

Sitting in any one position for too long causes pain in my hips and knees and since their is also arthritis in my back, hips, and knees, it is a constant battle to just sit, move, lie down. I know from living with all of these chronic ailments that I have to keep moving and have to push myself, otherwise, I will be in such horrific pain, I won’t want to do anything. But, I have to be careful not to overdo it or I will be down for the count. The fatigue is always there. It’s not just being tired from working too hard or not enough sleep, it is fatigue you can feel in your bones. It’s the type of fatigue that if you don’t lay down and rest for at least several hours, you will be physically sick.
You never know when it’s going to hit you and you pray you are at home when it does. It’s like being on a long road trip and you’re stiff and sore and if you don’t get out of the vehicle soon, you might just crash.

Fibromyalgia causes so many other symptoms, you never know what your day will bring until you are in the midst of it. For some people, heat makes it worse. For me, the cold is worse, because of arthritis. Although, I do tire more easily in humid weather.

To look at me, I may look tired and maybe even close friends see I am in pain, but I don’t look like I’m sick. I am thankful I don’t look like how I feel because it would be a scary sight. Between irritable bowel symptoms and constipation, there is always a fear of what will happen at any given time. It is no way to live. When you have FM, you are aware of everything but have no way of controlling it. Many people I know that have FM, use narcotic painkillers to help with the pain. I am not one of those people. Due to my oxygen levels and breathing problems, I can’t take those. So I use OTC pain meds to help take the edge off as well as Anti-Depressant meds to control some of the pain and the depression that comes with it.

I hesitate to make any concrete plans with family and friends, because once it’s time to go away, sometimes I just can’t do it. Or I do go and pay for it after the fact. This usually throws me into what’s called a fibro flare. When I’m in a flare up the pain is magnified 500 times. I don’t want anyone touching me and I don’t even want to breathe. Obviously breathing is important.
I wouldn’t “wish” this disorder on anyone. Living with chronic pain is one of the hardest things I have done so far.

I used to love to craft and plant flower beds and spend time outdoors, but now planting my flowers is out of the question. I don’t have the stability to kneel down on my knees or I fall over. I don’t have the muscle tone to stay upright. The degenerative disc disease in my lumbar spine makes it nearly impossible to get up and down without help. IF I sit on a hard surface, it is easier to get up and down, but that too causes pain; if I sit in a recliner or on the sofa, I can’t get up without assistance. I prefer not to lay in bed all day, although there are days that is exactly what I have to do.

The one thing that gets me through all my pain and afflictions is Jesus Christ. I know He is with me always. I cry out to Him in prayer and let His peace wash all over me. The pain doesn’t end, but I know that no matter what pain I am enduring, Jesus understands and can comfort me.

Some days I cry and grieve of all the things I have lost that I cannot do anymore because of my disabilities, but I cherish the friendships I have gained because they have become a support system to me because these special friends suffer just like I do. We vent to one another; we laugh and cry together.

Invisible chronic illness is hard to live with because many people do not understand. Those of us with this disorder don’t like canceling plans and we don’t like complaining. We live in silence for the most part, because we too get tired of hearing it.

If you know or love someone with chronic pain and illness, be kind. If you haven’t lived the battle within, ask questions, but be prepared you may not like what you hear or you may want to help, but the best thing, sometimes, is just to listen. Let them know you care. It’s hard.
May 12th is Fibromyalgia Awareness Day. Learn what you can, because my guess is you know at least one person that suffers from this. It might even be you.

Blessings to all!

Exhaustion

As I sit her listening to Tenth Avenue North singing Worn,  I know God is still on the throne and 

is still in control and in charge.

This has been a long week for me and it’s only Tuesday! Today was a reminder how precious life is and how we should live every day as if it is our last. We said goodbye to our cousin. He was one of the most loving souls I knew. He always had a kind word for everyone he met; he saw the good where other’s were more judgmental and he was a good man. Always doing the right thing. Honest and loving. He will be missed. I hadn’t seen him in many years. Life gets busy and we think we have all the time in the world and in a heartbeat we lose that moment.

I had kept in touch with him through social media, a comment here and there or a short instant message, which I am thankful for, but it’s hard to believe he is no longer with us.All of us know he has gone home to the Lord. His service was beautiful and we saw family we hadn’t seen in years.

Comments were made from all there, how sad it is that there are no more reunions or get together’s …we all wish for days gone by, when we would sit down together to take in a meal and fellowship with one another, but now we are all scattered and our schedules are too full.  When did family time become a thing of the past? Was I sleeping through all of it?

The hardest thing to accept is he hadn’t been sick, was healthy and happy and it was just his time.  Living in a family of Christians, made it easier to accept his passing, knowing we would reunite when it was our time. Regardless of whether a loved one has been ill and death is imminent or it is a total shock, the grieving is the same. It’s hard to let go. But God gives you the strength to carry on. He comforts us when we are totally exhausted because times like these are so painful to your heart and spirit.

And if having a funeral isn’t enough to have to deal with, we are dealing with our youngest grandson that isn’t speaking like he should by all earmarks of language development. Testing today and more testing tomorrow.  Long days with no clear answer in sight.

A family member struggling with Alzheimer’s and all of us struggling with a way to make things routine and “constant” for him. Praying God gives us wisdom to know what to do and what to say.

Then there’s this lovely Fibromyalgia thing. Running (not literally) all over the place, a lot of walking, runs you down to where you feel you can’t take one more step. The pain increases and if you’re not careful a flareup sets in. Flareups don’t last for a few hours, usually more like a few days, sometimes a week. Then everything else goes to the wayside. Laundry and dishes pile up, getting out of bed and maybe dressed, takes all the energy you have. You feel like you’re not even human.  OR 1/2 human. Things like doing laundry and folding clothes that came so easy before, now take twice to three times as long to get done, because you have to sit down and just rest.  When you are in a flare, what might normally take 30 minutes to do, now takes hours and you still don’t feel like you accomplish anything.

I am thankful for friends and family that love me no matter how worn out I am. Sleeping for several days is just a dream. The fatigue associated with Fibromyalgia is like being awake for 3 or four days straight, with no rest.  This fatigue makes me feel nauseated and an overall feeling of “blah”. Depression sets in because the pain, the fatigue, feeling like you can’t make plans or making plans and then you have to cancel because you just can’t function like normal.

Never take a single moment for granted, because none of us are promised a tomorrow. Live each minute to the fullest. Love extravagantly, tell people you love them, don’t wait until it’s too late to live your life. I have learned that housework can wait. Family can’t.

To my cousin Tim, you will be missed. You left a lasting legacy and may you rest in the arms of the Savior.Tim H

Blessings to all. Remember Jesus Loves You,

Carlene

 

 

 

 

Peace & Harmony

HarmonyI just wanted to share some scripture images before I retire for the day. I have been having a lot of difficulty sleeping lately.  I know some of it is because of all the tragic events that have happened over the last several days.  Too much death.  And I am only watching from afar. Trying to find peace in the world is difficult, but having peace in our hearts because of Jesus is absolutely possible.  I know. I have the Peace of God within me. I know he weeps for us and with us.

Peace

Insomnia is the worst. This is the first time in my life I have ever had this problem. I have known others that have suffered from it, but never had a clue how relentless it is. Sleep was one thing that always came easy, until recently.

Jesus Loves You! Many Blessings,

Carlene