Drowning

Psalm 143:6-8 New International Version (NIV)
6 I spread out my hands to you;
I thirst for you like a parched land.[a]

7 Answer me quickly, Lord;
my spirit fails.
Do not hide your face from me
or I will be like those who go down to the pit.
8 Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
for to You, I entrust my life.

 

HelpMe

 

I am a strong person. I am told that all the time by my friends and family; even people I just met and have yet to form good relationships with. But what no one seems to realize is that I am strong, only because I allow Jesus to be my strength. My strength fails in comparison to that of Jesus.

I believe that all of us have an inner strength we are gifted through the Holy Spirit and it takes patience and requires a trust to tap into that inner strength.  It doesn’t come unless it is put to the test.  I know God will give me everything I need to succeed in every task I am given.  I know He will not set me up to fail. He is good. All the time.

Just as we can become physically exhausted and need rest and rejuvenation, I know my spirit can become emotionally and mentally exhausted and I also need to take time to rest and rejuvenate.  That type of rest and rejuvenation is different for everyone.  And I also know, for me personally, if I do not take the necessary time to rest and rejuvenate my spirit, I feel as if I am drowning and my Lifeguard walks on water, how insane is that? For me to feel as if I am drowning.

I am a “people” person. I am a nurturer, and if I must admit it, I want to be a “fixer” or “people pleaser”. Not in the sense that I have any skill or talent that I can fix anything because Jesus is the only one that changes the hearts and minds of people. I can only make suggestions based on my personal experience and observation.  I am much like my father, who loved being around other people and never met a stranger. I guess that qualifies me as an extrovert, personality wise. Striking up conversations with people, getting to know them, gaining a personal connection makes me come alive.

Knowing all of that, this morning hit me so hard, because as our sweet grandson wanted me to listen to him, about just one more vacuum and how cool they are, I became very frustrated and a little bit annoyed. I could care less, if I hear just one more thing about vacuums, truth be told.  I know I will hear about them though.  He can’t get enough, ever. And I know he can’t control those thoughts. Our brains are wired so differently. I only wanted to go back to bed and shut the world out for the day. Rest, listen to music and some podcasts, fuel up.

Taking time for myself, shouldn’t make me feel guilty or ashamed that I want some quiet. Some peace. And I shouldn’t have to feel bad if I don’t want to hear about it anymore. The guilt in my heart is from the world. Not God. It’s from the fixer in me, that says, “suck it up” you can make it through today, and tomorrow and the next day.

I wonder why we feel so guilty when we want to spend time with ourselves, no agenda or plan, just be. In the Word, God tells us to “be still and know that I am God”. Being still seems so unnatural now.  I used to love being still and days like today I miss those moments. Explaining that to anyone, usually brings a response of “what’s wrong?” And I want to know why does anything have to be wrong? Some days, everyone needs time to themselves, without having to leave the comfort and haven of their own home.

I feel guilty when I think of just me and my needs. How crazy is that? I know it is a very necessary need. I shouldn’t feel guilty, but I feel like I am letting people down if I am not doing everything considered necessary to keep life on an even keel, but I realized today that if I do not take the time for me, the ship will sink and we will all drown.

No one can be an effective teacher or role model in life if they don’t take time to just be.

So, as hard as it is for me, the person that likes to fix things, today I have to take time for me. Drowning, quitting, giving up these are not options. Resting should be the easiest task I have to do, but it’s so foreign to me, I am not sure what resting even looks like.  I guess I will have to keep working on the resting part.

Matthew 11:28 New International Version (NIV)
28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.

Lord Jesus, here I am. You know how weary I am right now. I claim rest in your name and praise you for being the Savior I need. Everyday. Thank you for taking my burdens and bearing them on the cross. Thank you for giving me life. Please help me find the balance I need to not feel so worn. In Jesus name, Amen.

May you know how much Jesus Loves You! Right where you are at this moment in time.

He is always here for you, always! #HopeAlwaysHaveFaith

Blessings~Carlene

 

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He is Lost

Psalm 56:8 New Living Translation (NLT)
8 You keep track of all my sorrows.
You have collected all my tears in your bottle.
You have recorded each one in your book.

 

I’ve shed many tears in the past several months. We all have. And I cry out to Jesus a hundred times a day seeking guidance, wisdom, clarity, and discernment. I cry because the once happy child we love that lives in our home and most definitely in our hearts is missing in action. And the child that can’t tell us what’s wrong, has become angrier by the minute. We don’t know why, but he has. It’s so difficult to watch the decline in his moods and behaviors.

Tyson and Me
A moment of rest for T and Me

The words, “No!”, “That’s not okay!”, “That’s not acceptable.”, “We don’t do that.” fall on deaf ears. The constant repetition of trying to explain to this beautiful boy that it is not okay to hit, kick, scratch, punch, bite and be mean to others  or throw toys, plates, cups or any item he chooses to use as a weapon to hurt someone or break windows, electronic items; it’s not okay and he can’t do that. Trying to explain to him, once you have his attention (looking into each other’s eyes and asking him to stop, let’s calm down, dry his tears) that not only do we not want to be hurt, but we don’t want him to get hurt either is an everyday task.

He has always been hyper, ever since he started walking at ten months. He went from scooting to pulling himself up to standing and walking. He totally skipped out on crawling.  Even now, if he is playing on the floor, he rolls or scoots or somersaults his way through the room, unless he’s walking on his tiptoes or running at breakneck speed.  He has one speed and it’s all or nothing. And the nothing only happens when he is given medications to help him sleep.  Even when he is beyond exhaustion, sleep does not come without prescribed medications. His brain never shuts down.

Some friends, suggest putting him in timeout. That would be amazing if we could get him to sit still long enough to accomplish that. Today, I put myself in timeout. Sitting on the opposite side of the safety gate on the steps. He was still being supervised, but I needed a good cry. Trying to remain strong all the time, and not knowing when an outburst will occur is heartwrenching. The child that used to love to play with blocks, legos, cars flying down his racetrack, counting and having fun, I don’t know where he is. The child that loved to paint with watercolors, scribble all over the papers and practice using his scissors to cut, he’s lost.  I see him stand in front of me, but he’s not the same. The little boy that I could scoop up in my arms, squeeze him tight and we could count or recite the alphabet and talk to one another, I don’t see him much anymore. I see a child full of anger, aggression and for lack of another way to describe it totally overloaded in his mind all the time. Shutting down the television, turning off video devices, taking toys away and never giving them back, doesn’t seem to faze him. The music that used to lull him to sleep, while being rocked, he cries and doesn’t want the music very often.

The night terrors are not as bad as they used to be, now we deal with daytime terrors. Fully awake, but he can’t tell us what’s wrong. Yes, he has amassed many words, but unless he wants something, answering questions is still yes and no for the most part. He can answer to what his name is, the street he lives on, sometime’s the city and who lives with him.

He has been up, five times since being put to sleep tonight. Whimpering.  “Please hold me.” So I hold him, we sway back and forth. As he falls back asleep, and I think it’s okay to lie him down. Sleep eludes. The minute I laid him down, whimpers, “please hold me maw.” I’ve decided sleep will come for me once he boards the bus to preschool in the morning.

And as  I ruminate about all the changes in the past year for him, I often wonder what happened? Have all the seizures he has had, accompanied by medications known to cause aggressive behaviors and irritability caused this drastic change in my little buddy? Is it the medication he is prescribed for the aggressiveness with the autism? Is it a combination of the medications? But which is worse, having multiple seizures often or living with the behaviors? I have no answers and the specialists don’t seem to know either.

I’m considering everything and planning on going back to Essential Oil use to help relax and calm him down. It worked when he was younger, maybe that is a missing link. I know there are supplements that have been used to help and maybe it’s just possible that is what he is missing.  The developmental pediatrician and his neurologist ask if I can videotape his behavior, but when you are the target of the behavior, grabbing your smartphone and turning on video doesn’t occur to me. Keeping him safe and others safe is my first priority.

It has been recommended to talk to an ABA (Applied Behavior Analysis) therapist and see if that will help. I didn’t want to face that fact. But now, I must. We have to for him. Not knowing if his insurance will help with the cost or if we have to cut more corners than we have to pay for it, one more stress to be strong for. I do know, as tears stream down my face, I will do as much as I possibly can to help him. Loving him is the easy part. Knowing what to do next, and figuring everything out by trial and error is the worst. For him, as well as us.

I sit and wonder daily how difficult it must be that the only way that he can cope is to exhibit the behaviors he has. I wonder if the noise, lack of noise, the lights on and off, what is it that makes turn his world and our’s upside down? Can we reach him? I have faith and belief that God would not have let him come this far, only to lose it all and have to start over again.

Two years ago, there were two words. Very little interaction with others and the playtime was limited to large blocks his tiny hands could hold. His vocabulary has increased. He does engage with others, he can hold your gaze for more than a mere second, but the joy of playing, it’s lost. If he can’t throw a toy, he has no desire to play with it.

A  year ago, he was flourishing in his preschool class. Following a visual schedule, completing tasks, using listening skills and then midway through the year, it all changed. Once he started having his seizures and had to go on medications, he changed or they changed him.

And now, I look for glimpses of that little boy that laughed and giggled, would jump and spin for the pure joy of doing it. I miss him terribly.

My good friend asked if I know what causes all this. I don’t. I know that he lives every day with many Neurological disorders and maybe right now he is doing the best he can. I remind myself that Autism Spectrum Disorder has many challenges. I’m learning that Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder isn’t just about focus, there are many symptoms I never knew were linked to ADHD. His Sensory Processing Disorder seems heightened more than ever and although his tonic-clonic (formerly grand mal) seizures are held at bay by the AED’s (Anti-Epileptic Drugs) he still has absence seizures, and as much as I would love to say he is just daydreaming as suggested by his Neurologist, I am not sure T even knows what daydreaming is or what it means. He’s 4 with a language disorder.

The one and the only area that his language is truly understood is when he talks to you about vacuum cleaners. That is what he fixates on. He has had toy ones, they don’t last very long. He’s rough on them. Two “real” vacuums in our home have succumbed to his mighty strength. He sweeps for a short period and then while pretending, he picks this heavy appliance up as if it was a feather and tosses it a few feet from him. And when he starts to do that, it is put away. He clings to it and has to be pried away from it kicking and screaming, “my sweep”.  Of all the things that he could fixate on, that was the farthest thing from my mind.

I’ve been silent about this. Not wanting to face that we have to find a way to help him. We have to teach him that the way he reacts and acts is not the best way for him. And we have to learn how to do that in his world. Because in our world, we are lost, too.

Lord Jesus, you know the struggles we are facing. Please help T and help us help him. We know how blessed we are to have him with us. We thank you for giving us the gift of this young child and trusting us to guide him. Guide us. Lead us. We want to see him bloom in only ways you know he can. Forgive us when we become frustrated and upset. Remind us that he too is frustrated. Thank you, God. In Your Name Jesus. Amen.

James 1:2-4 New Living Translation (NLT)

2 Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. 3 For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. 4 So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.

May you know how much Jesus Loves You~right at this moment~as you are!

#HopeAlwaysHaveFaith

Until next time~blessings, Carlene

 

 

 

Cry Out to Jesus

I’ve been crying out to Jesus in despair for several hours. Living with autism isn’t for the faint of heart. In the last four hours, I’ve been spit on numerous times, hit repeatedly, had blocks, toy cars, a toy cash register and anything else he could find to throw at me. My hair has been twisted and pulled, and stabbed with a fork repeatedly and raising my voice doesn’t help and letting the tears and sobs come doesn’t either.

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I don’t know what triggers these times or why Tyson goes thru these moments. I don’t like them and I hate that in those moments I just want to give up and throw in the towel, but I can’t. He is depending on me to get him through all he goes thru. He depends on all the people in his life to help him learn and grow.

Since he came into our lives almost four years ago, our lives have changed drastically from what we had imagined. There is no time to just sit with my husband and watch a movie, or take walks or have any type of just us time. When Tyson is asleep, that’s when we rest or frantically try to accomplish housework or tackle projects we can’t do when he’s awake.

He plays hard, throws himself on the floor, bangs into and on things, runs into walls, constantly climbing and jumping, banging his head on the floor, into the back of the chair and into other people.

His attention span is only a few minutes unless he is viewing videos or television shows he likes, but we know too much screen time is not good for any child, especially with one that seizures can be triggered by videos he watches depending on the content.

I love this high energy child that is constantly wanting to go places and repeatedly talk about what he knows. Vacuum cleaners are his favorite subject. He wears headphones when they are turned on, but when they are turned off, they are his favorite “toy” of all time. We have to limit his time because of the fixation. He can share with you every single detail and when its time to return them to their storage area, he clings to the vacuum, becomes angry and agitated and won’t let go.

We appear like a typical family outside of the walls of our home. We work really hard to keep him safe and keep him from having outburst or hurting others when we are out. He is always holding our hands, wearing a safety harness, in a shopping cart or any other means necessary to go out into the world. If we go to a park setting, there must be at least three people with him or the area must be fenced in. He loves going and playing at the park, up and down the slides; swinging with wild abandon, laughing and wanting more.

Our home is never clean. Never spotless. Every day, there are toys mixed with food particles from him being angry and throwing bowls of food off the table because he isn’t hungry or doesn’t want what was placed before him. Highchairs don’t contain him anymore. He’s too smart for the five point harness. He knows if can’t get the latches undone, he can wriggle out of the straps with a little bit of determination and grit.

He is so smart. He can figure just about anything out on how it goes together or how it comes apart. He can count to 13 on his own, the number of stairs in our home. He can recite the alphabet and label each letter if asked. He calls himself Ty. Tyson is too hard for him to say right now. He can cook the most amazing meals in his tiny kitchen. He loves mixing and pretending to cook just as much as he likes helping me mix concoctions in my kitchen.

Since beginning this post, most of his toys have been bagged and removed to another room. The TV has been shut off. Music has been turned on. I’ve had to stop writing multiple times to get him off of furniture he should not be standing on, out of paperwork cabinets that hold his care notebooks and IEP plans. Tell him no repeatedly because he wants to make raspberry sounds and realizes he can spray you with his saliva. Position my chair in such a way that he can’t climb on my desk to mess with the mini-blinds covering the window above my head.

In between, he’s had a cup of blueberry yogurt and a cup of milk for a snack and I’m using this opportunity to help him say blueberry yogurt. His language disorder for expressive language is a struggle. His version of blueberry yogurt is boo og. Every moment he speaks is used for speech language therapy. Those moments don’t just happen at school or in speech therapy appointments, every moment he’s awake is when it happens.

Ugh!!! He just drew on his feet with a green marker and dumped his yogurt on the desk! So much for the calm.

The struggle is real. Its a glimpse into living with autism. A mere 5 hours out of 24. One moment he is hugging me, giving kisses and the next he is trying to break out the front door glass with his wooden toy hammer.

I am looking forward to when his batteries run out so I can take a shower and just sit still for more than one second. Right now we need to be in a padded room with nothing but us. I just was hit in the head with his tiny shoes that pack a powerful punch.

My joy comes from the Lord. Not my circumstances. I am so very thankful I have Jesus in my corner.

To the other families that “do autism” everyday, please know you are not alone in your journey. Even though it feels like it.

To everyone, may you know how much Jesus loves you~in every moment you live.

#HopeAlwaysHaveFaith

Blessings~Carlene

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Stand Up & Be Kind

“Bullying is something that we need to talk more about. We need to stop it from happening if we witness it. All of us have the power within us to make a difference, but the fact is many people allow it to go on because it’s easier than getting involved.

Cyberbully

When I was a child, I was bullied because I did not fit into the mold of the correct size of peers my own age. I was very tall and I felt oversized. I used the excuse of being big-boned like my grandma and that was how I was created. The fact of the matter was there was nothing wrong with me or my size. I was the right weight for my height, but that didn’t help me feel any better. It was like I had to make excuses for why I was the way I was all the time. We have all heard it said, “kids can be so cruel.”  I have learned over the years that if parents don’t teach their children the right way to be toward others and to see differences as just that and not reasons to be mean, children will continue to be cruel even if they don’t realize they are. Most children are honest to a fault, because they haven’t learned that sometime’s being honest about how someone looks or how they dress, may be the best they can be and being different can be scary to others.

I grew up with a sister that is deaf. So, I automatically became a defender, even if she didn’t want one or need one. There was no way I would let anyone mistreat her with words of ignorance or any other actions. The truth is she didn’t need me to stand up for her, she did this quite well and still does today.

When our children were going through grade school, junior high and senior high school, they too faced times of bullying and as a parent, that was not okay with me. They did not want me to step in, that would just make it worse, put a target on them, so to speak. I did step in, I did contact the principal, guidance counselors, teachers and anyone else that needed to be talked to because I wanted my children to not only get an education, but I wanted them to feel safe at school and not afraid to go.

I have learned over the years that most people who target others to bully, demean or belittle have their own issues of insecurity or have never been treated kind, and they lash out instead of facing their own difficulties.

STOP BULLYING

As we have progressed as a society, and electronics have become a way to live, communicate and thrive, it has also opened up doors, bigger than any of us can close on our own, on bullying. Now it doesn’t have to be done face to face; it can be done through social media posts, Instagram photos and cyber attacks that can’t be traced.

Most. if not all reputable websites have policies in place against bullying others, being vulgar or using profanities, but the Web is a huge and controls put out there to monitor such actions can’t keep up.

I know I can’t change the world all by myself, but I can choose to create ripples of kindness instead of ripples of hate. Every word and thought I have I choose. Every way I choose to react is a choice. Each time I see someone being belittled or hated on, I can choose to speak up against it or I can turn away.

My choice is to be kind and to show kindness still exists.

Tonight, a dear friend, was telling me about her day at work and how she had to defend someone because another co-worker was being insensitive and mean. She talked about how it angered her that the person being mean thought it was okay to act like that. She talked about how she was bullied when she was younger and I think that those of us that have been treated unkind know what it’s like and we don’t want another person to feel that way. Ever.

My mother always taught us that it costs nothing to be kind. We never know what kind of battle someone is facing. But we can always be kind.

My challenge to all of you reading this is this: be a little kinder, turn the other cheek, remember we all have struggles, real or imagined and being mean, hateful, spiteful, or hurtful doesn’t help. Think before you speak. Love each other. And the Golden Rule, if you can’t say something nice, keep your words to yourself.

For you have been called to live in freedom, my brothers, and sisters. But don’t use your freedom to satisfy your sinful nature. Instead, use your freedom to serve one another in love. – Galatians 5:13 NLT

There is enough evil and hate in this world. It’s time we start taking the world by the horns and showing others what living in love and living like Jesus is all about!

May you know how much Jesus Loves You!

Blessings to you!

 

 

 

 

 

Love Is A Choice

My mother’s life started out rocky, but she learned that love is a choice. My grandparents adopted my mother at the age of 10. They chose to love her and I am so thankful they did.

My mom had her own family, 2 sisters, 1 half-sister and 2 half- brothers, and she was the oldest of them all. Their life was hard and very tumultuous and scary. The details are hers to share with those she chooses. It was not the type of life anyone would want a loved one to be in, but it was her life. And she was the luckiest of all her siblings because although she did not grow up with her siblings and her mom and stepfather, she did grow up in a home of love, laughter, and joy.

She grew up in a home with parents that loved and honored the Lord. She learned about Jesus and forgiveness and she learned about being loved. She learned that life is full of choices and every choice has a consequence. She learned that she was free to make mistakes and with mistakes came lessons that would guide her along the way in her life.

She often wondered about her sisters and brothers and what happened to them and even her mother. She was able to connect with her siblings later in life and build lasting relationships. As I said she was the lucky one. My heart breaks for my aunts and uncles and the hardships they endured, and I continue to love them as if they have always been a part of my life. They are family.

Fast forward 10 years to my parents tying the knot with their own dreams of having a home and starting a family. My parents were blessed with four children. Myself, a sister two years later, another sister four years later and just when they thought they were done with diapers, my brother appeared 8 years later. He was definitely a surprise.

The story could stop there.  It could be they had four children and lived happily ever after. Well, they did have a great life. They remained married and in love with one another until my father passed in 2015-51 years with each other.  That fact alone would be enough to inspire you.

My mother is more than a daughter, sister, mother, wife, grandmother or aunt. She taught me what selfless love is all about. My sister, born two years after me has a hearing impairment.  There were no support groups or local organizations to reach out to for a special needs child. She helped to form a local group for parents of deaf children. She took my sister to weekly speech therapy appointments, while still raising 3 other children and running a home, plus being a volunteer fire dispatcher (before 911 existed) and being the chief cook, laundress, bottle washer, and confidante.

As we became older, she shuttled all of us to our various extracurricular activities, made sure we had hot meals and lots of love.  And she instilled in us a kindness and compassion for others that came from her life as a child. To love others is a choice. A family is family and family is first. It doesn’t matter if you have been thick as thieves with your cousins all your life or if you just laid eyes on them as a teenager. The love is the same.

She worked for child service agencies to help protect children from the horrors of the world because she understood that better than anyone what is was like to be hungry, hurting and alone.

She chose to not live as a victim. She chose to live a life of love and she shows that love every day to her friends, family, and total strangers. She embodies the heart of Jesus. She shows grace in all situations. She prays daily and gives her worries and concerns to the Lord. She is my hero because her heart always has room for compassion and kindness like I have never seen.

She has mended many of my broken heart moments, she has given advice that has carried me far in my life and although there have been many times, that I have hurt her heart and been less than stellar as a daughter, she hasn’t loved me any less.

She is the rock in our family.  She is the glue that keeps us all connected when we lose touch with one another. The sad part is she lives thousands of miles from all of us, but she is only a text, video chat or call away. It’s not the same as being with her in person, but it’s the next best thing.

I only pray that someday, I can be half the mother she has been to me and my siblings. I strive daily. She isn’t just my mom, she is my hero.

Mom, I just want to thank you so much for choosing love. Thank you for choosing to love others unconditionally and to always show grace under pressure. Your forgiving heart and spirit have taught me more than I could ever express. I am very honored that God chose you to be my mother. I love you so very much! Happy Mother’s Day Mom!

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Our Mom

 

 

 

Ademoneo

Ademoneo, Greek Transliterated word  New Testament Greek Lexicon

pronunciation: ad-ay-mon-eh’-o

Definition: To be troubled, great distress or anguish, depressed.

There are three instances that this word has been used in the New Testament You can find those instances in Matthew 26:37/Mark 14:33/Philippians 2:26

depressed


I have lived with depression for years. But not my depression. Until recently, I didn’t have this problem, personally. But I have lived with the disorder for many years because I love people who live and suffer from clinical depression. Depression that from what I know and have seen, they battle daily to keep their lives going on an even keel.  Depression, if left to run its course ends up ruining many things in their lives; including them.

This depression wasn’t just because something happened that made them sad or downtrodden, but a melancholy that settled in their soul and no amount of encouragement or laughter could bring about change. Sometimes medications help, sometimes they didn’t. People suggest that you see a psychiatrist or psychologist and talk out the reasons that have led to your depression and they can teach you ways to cope with it and live with it.

What I have found, though, is that it isn’t just one thing that causes it and what works great for one person suffering, doesn’t even begin to work for someone else with the same diagnosis. The mind is like a minefield. What might set one person off, another person it wouldn’t even faze.

This depression that I have been feeling lately, has been coming on for months. I have fought long and hard to keep it at bay. I have done my best to dive into the Word and pray to the Father seeking His guidance. I have started Bible Journaling as a way to express myself, while still reflecting on scripture and God’s promises to never leave us or forsake us. I know I am one of the luckiest people in the world because I have the spirit of God living within me. The Holy Spirit. And he guides me and convicts me when I stray from the teachings of Jesus. I have always been able to show mercy and grace under pressure and continue to live in a joyful state of existence with God’s joy in my heart. It’s not always happy times or moments, but I’ve always had God’s joy there and His peace that only he can give.

Lately, I’ve been pondering how do I get back to where I was or maybe I should be asking where are you leading me Lord and how much longer will I be in this dark valley?

I am a people person. I always have been. I never meet a stranger, ever. I love to talk and read and learn. I love to be an encourager to others and help people. I do have a caregiver mentality. The only problem with having that mentality, is sometimes I forget to care for myself.

Zechariah 13:9New Living Translation (NLT)

9 I will bring that group through the fire
and make them pure.
I will refine them like silver
and purify them like gold.
They will call on my name,
and I will answer them.
I will say, ‘These are my people,’
and they will say, ‘The Lord is our God.’”

I know that God allows us to go through painful circumstances when necessary to refine us for what His purpose is for our lives. I know that in those moments, I need to lean into him and pursue Him for my needs. He will supply them all.

Before I retired early, even though I was in great physical pain, I was around others and now I am around the same people daily. Please don’t get me wrong, I am very blessed to have my family, but honestly spending every waking minute together is maddening when you are a person that seeks to be around people and not feeling isolated all the time. Unfortunately, with the loss of income (over 50%), the itinerary for the week changes to accommodate budget needs.  And many other changes occur because we can’t eat out as much as we would want or buy things on a whim because the funds aren’t available. And event though the physical pain isn’t as strong as it was when you were working full-time, it’s still present. The difference is now you can sit and rest when you need to. That’s really the only difference.

When I worked 40 hours a week outside of the home, I still had obligations here that had to be taken care of and everything came together, one way or another. Now I feel isolated, lonely. I feel like all I am to people is someone who cooks and cleans and does laundry and keeps a two-year-old occupied all day.  I love being a grandmother. But I don’t want to be the grandmother that can’t have fun with her grandchild and then take a break. I will if that’s what it takes. But I miss being able to do fun things for me. With my friends.

I miss being able to splurge and go to a fast food restaurant and grab a sandwich because I don’t feel like making a lunchmeat sandwich at home. I miss working and earning an income.

So let God work his will in you. Yell a loud no to the Devil and watch him scamper. Say a quiet yes to God and he’ll be there in no time. Quit dabbling in sin. Purify your inner life. Quit playing the field. Hit bottom, and cry your eyes out. The fun and games are over. Get serious, really serious. Get down on your knees before the Master; it’s the only way you’ll get on your feet.
James 4:10 MSG

And the worst part is every little critique that anyone has for me, I take offense to. Even if they are correct. I have always been a firm believer that constructive criticism is good. Lately, I haven’t felt any of the criticism I have received is constructive. I take things too personally and inwardly, I cry. I think of all kinds of ways I could respond, but I know that is not what Jesus would want me to do because as soon as I allow those thoughts to flash across my mind, I am convicted in my spirit, that is not who I am.

I get depressed because I can’t even go to the store by myself. Even though I am a people person and anyone that knows me would agree; sometimes I just want to be alone. I know this is healthy thinking. I just can’t convince anyone else of that without hurting their feelings and that’s the last thing I want to do.

I used to read 3-4 books a month and now I am lucky if I read 3-4 books in 6 months. I miss reading. When I read, I can visualize the story in my mind and I can escape my life for a few hours and just dive into the story. Page turners I can read within a day or two. Now my books are on shelves, gathering dust because I don’t have time to do that anymore.

My depression is in part my fault as I have never been good at setting boundaries and keeping them. I know that until I learn to stick to my boundaries and keep them in place, I will continue to be walked on and I will continue to resent certain people. That is not healthy and I have no desire to walk that road.

The depression I have observed in the last 20 years has caused true medical ailments because the festering of problems being pushed down farther and farther until there is nowhere to push them and they come out in ways that create havoc on the body. I’ve seen it. I know it’s real. It causes underlying medical problems such as hypertension, heart problems, stomach problems. and probably too many to mention here. If your depression is truly bad, and you do not have coping skills in place for when you start to spiral out of control, I’ve seen it come out in waves of sadness and anger. And even though many things said in the throes of an argument or disagreement that are spiteful and hurtful aren’t meant; once you’ve said them you can’t take them back. Words hurt.

Proverbs 12:18New Living Translation (NLT)

18 Some people make cutting remarks,
but the words of the wise bring healing.

I know that I must talk about it. I must talk to anyone that will listen that you can’t hold everything in and at some point not explode or just give up. We all need one another. We all have problems. We need to start loving each other not for what we have or don’t have, but simply because loving one another is so much better than the effort it takes to be hurtful to one another. And because that is what we are called to do.

Matthew 22:37-40 New Living Translation (NLT)

37 Jesus replied, “‘You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.’[e] 38 This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 A second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’[f] 40 The entire law and all the demands of the prophets are based on these two commandments.”

Heavenly Father,

Help me to see that I am not alone. Help me to realize that you are with me, always. Help me to reach out to others and lean on others. Lord help me to grow in the ways you want and need me to grow and keep me on the correct path for my life. In Jesus’ name. Amen

Blessings to you; may you always know Jesus Loves You.

Jesus Can Turn any Mess into a Message of Hope

#HopeAlways#HaveFaith