Cry Out to Jesus

I’ve been crying out to Jesus in despair for several hours. Living with autism isn’t for the faint of heart. In the last four hours, I’ve been spit on numerous times, hit repeatedly, had blocks, toy cars, a toy cash register and anything else he could find to throw at me. My hair has been twisted and pulled, and stabbed with a fork repeatedly and raising my voice doesn’t help and letting the tears and sobs come doesn’t either.

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I don’t know what triggers these times or why Tyson goes thru these moments. I don’t like them and I hate that in those moments I just want to give up and throw in the towel, but I can’t. He is depending on me to get him through all he goes thru. He depends on all the people in his life to help him learn and grow.

Since he came into our lives almost four years ago, our lives have changed drastically from what we had imagined. There is no time to just sit with my husband and watch a movie, or take walks or have any type of just us time. When Tyson is asleep, that’s when we rest or frantically try to accomplish housework or tackle projects we can’t do when he’s awake.

He plays hard, throws himself on the floor, bangs into and on things, runs into walls, constantly climbing and jumping, banging his head on the floor, into the back of the chair and into other people.

His attention span is only a few minutes unless he is viewing videos or television shows he likes, but we know too much screen time is not good for any child, especially with one that seizures can be triggered by videos he watches depending on the content.

I love this high energy child that is constantly wanting to go places and repeatedly talk about what he knows. Vacuum cleaners are his favorite subject. He wears headphones when they are turned on, but when they are turned off, they are his favorite “toy” of all time. We have to limit his time because of the fixation. He can share with you every single detail and when its time to return them to their storage area, he clings to the vacuum, becomes angry and agitated and won’t let go.

We appear like a typical family outside of the walls of our home. We work really hard to keep him safe and keep him from having outburst or hurting others when we are out. He is always holding our hands, wearing a safety harness, in a shopping cart or any other means necessary to go out into the world. If we go to a park setting, there must be at least three people with him or the area must be fenced in. He loves going and playing at the park, up and down the slides; swinging with wild abandon, laughing and wanting more.

Our home is never clean. Never spotless. Every day, there are toys mixed with food particles from him being angry and throwing bowls of food off the table because he isn’t hungry or doesn’t want what was placed before him. Highchairs don’t contain him anymore. He’s too smart for the five point harness. He knows if can’t get the latches undone, he can wriggle out of the straps with a little bit of determination and grit.

He is so smart. He can figure just about anything out on how it goes together or how it comes apart. He can count to 13 on his own, the number of stairs in our home. He can recite the alphabet and label each letter if asked. He calls himself Ty. Tyson is too hard for him to say right now. He can cook the most amazing meals in his tiny kitchen. He loves mixing and pretending to cook just as much as he likes helping me mix concoctions in my kitchen.

Since beginning this post, most of his toys have been bagged and removed to another room. The TV has been shut off. Music has been turned on. I’ve had to stop writing multiple times to get him off of furniture he should not be standing on, out of paperwork cabinets that hold his care notebooks and IEP plans. Tell him no repeatedly because he wants to make raspberry sounds and realizes he can spray you with his saliva. Position my chair in such a way that he can’t climb on my desk to mess with the mini-blinds covering the window above my head.

In between, he’s had a cup of blueberry yogurt and a cup of milk for a snack and I’m using this opportunity to help him say blueberry yogurt. His language disorder for expressive language is a struggle. His version of blueberry yogurt is boo og. Every moment he speaks is used for speech language therapy. Those moments don’t just happen at school or in speech therapy appointments, every moment he’s awake is when it happens.

Ugh!!! He just drew on his feet with a green marker and dumped his yogurt on the desk! So much for the calm.

The struggle is real. Its a glimpse into living with autism. A mere 5 hours out of 24. One moment he is hugging me, giving kisses and the next he is trying to break out the front door glass with his wooden toy hammer.

I am looking forward to when his batteries run out so I can take a shower and just sit still for more than one second. Right now we need to be in a padded room with nothing but us. I just was hit in the head with his tiny shoes that pack a powerful punch.

My joy comes from the Lord. Not my circumstances. I am so very thankful I have Jesus in my corner.

To the other families that “do autism” everyday, please know you are not alone in your journey. Even though it feels like it.

To everyone, may you know how much Jesus loves you~in every moment you live.

#HopeAlwaysHaveFaith

Blessings~Carlene

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Uncertain Times

hurrican irma

In a little more than two weeks, two Hurricanes have wreaked havoc on many people, their homes and the cities they love and live in. Hurricane Harvey made landfall in Texas on August 25, 2017, and caused so much devastation and flooding in many Texas towns and villages surrounding and including Houston, Texas. As relief efforts going on there, donations going down to Texas from all over the country, now the State of Florida and its residents are facing impacts of Hurricane Irma, which is a much bigger storm than Hurricane Harvey was and the impact of Hurricane Irma, is far reaching, inland up through the states of GA, SC, TN, KY, even the Ohio Valley where I reside.

All week long, I have been fascinated with the tracking of this storm, mainly because my mother lives in Florida and I have many friends and other family members that call Florida home. The sorrow that comes with this fascination is knowing that there is nothing I can do or anyone else can do to stop this storm from causing impending doom to the people and properties of Florida and what will be will be.

As much of the nation watches and much of the television coverage has been on Hurricane Irma and the impact she will have, we must not forget the people in the Western United States that are plagued with wildfires out of control, no end in sight for them either.  Many people have lost everything they have, their homes, their properties, some have even paid with their lives. We live in uncertain times. But the one thing we can all cling to is Jesus. He will never leave us or abandon us. He is with us through the storms, the ones caused by nature and the ones that trap us in our fears when it comes to our jobs, our family life, our relationships, He is with you and with me.

In His Word, he promises that he will always be with us. He will sustain us. He will carry us. All he asks in return is for us to Trust Him. Going through these uncertain times, it can be very easy to ask, “Where are you, God?” But as believers, we know He is with us. It’s not something we can see, but something we can feel in our hearts and something that is so tangible that we want to reach and grasp it.

Even to your old age and gray hairs, I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you.

Isaiah 46:4 NIV


7 The Lord is good,
a strong refuge when trouble comes.
He is close to those who trust in him.

Nahum 1:7 NLT


4 One thing I have desired of the Lord,
That will I seek:
That I may dwell in the house of the Lord
All the days of my life,
To behold the beauty of the Lord,
And to inquire in His temple.
5 For in the time of trouble
He shall hide me in His pavilion;
In the secret place of His tabernacle
He shall hide me;
He shall set me high upon a rock.

Psalm 27:4-5NKJV


Heavenly Father,

We come to you Lord, and we ask that you continue to protect and preserve life in all areas that dangerous storms are approaching, dangerous wildfires are spreading. We ask that you continue to strengthen your people and allow your presence to be felt in and through all of these uncertainties and we ask that you remain forever faithful to be our shield and rock that we lean on and seek comfort. In Jesus’ mighty name, we lay our requests at your feet. Amen

Properties and possessions can be replaced. Please remain sheltered and safe and continue to follow directions of your local emergency management officials.  My thoughts and prayers are with all of you that have been and will continue to be affected by these storms, whether they be water and rain, or fire and the wind. Please be as safe as you can be.

Remember Jesus Loves You!

God Bless You All!