Category Archives: heart

My Mind

Hello everyone! I am still here. I am finding it much more difficult to write because focusing and concentrating requires a lot more effort than I have ever had to have, until now. Many days God brings to mind something he wants me to share with you and by the time it is quiet and I can sit down to write, the words are all jumbled in my mind. I know the message is important, but the ease at which I wrote before, isn’t there. It comes in bits and pieces and now I am having to write it down and hope that when I choose to share, it will make sense to you as it does to me.

autumn ripples

I am a person, that admittedly, likes to be in control of at least me and my thoughts. And it’s been hard to put the words into a sentence or paragraph that makes sense.

Romans 8:26 New Living Translation (NLT)
26 And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don’t know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words.

I am thankful that when I don’t know the words to use, The Holy Spirit intercedes for me with the Father, Christ Jesus our Lord and shares my prayers and cries. If you know Jesus and have a relationship with Him, he already knows all your needs, but he wants you to tell him and share with him just as you would with your closest friend. He wants to hear about all of your life, the good times, as well as the trying times. Many people cry out in prayer to the Father only when things aren’t going well or they really need his help, but He also wants to share in your joys! And if He doesn’t answer your prayers as you want, then many times, the faith you have suffers, because why would a good God allow bad things to happen? That is the question of the ages. God’s ways are not our own. No matter how much we try and see it from a perspective of God, we will never understand it. There are many mysteries that will not be revealed until He is ready to reveal them.

Ecclesiastes 11:5 New Living Translation (NLT)
5 Just as you cannot understand the path of the wind or the mystery of a tiny baby growing in its mother’s womb,[a] so you cannot understand the activity of God, who does all things.

And just as I don’t understand why my mind is affected in this way as a result of surviving sepsis, I know that God has a plan and I will continue to trust Him as it unfolds. Sometime’s we have to get to the end of ourselves, so we can see God working in our lives. To fully rely on Him, means we must be willing to give up what we think is best and trust Him.

It is and can be scary, the unknown; but God will never put you in harm’s way and never allow the temptation to be more than you can bear.

1 Corinthians 10:13 English Standard Version (ESV)
13 No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation, he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

No matter what challenge you are facing today or heartache, please know Jesus Loves you too much to leave you where you are at. He is always with you. Jesus can turn any mess in your life into a message and any test you face into a testimony! Never give up. Jesus loves you!#HopeAlwaysHaveFaith

Blessings until next time~Carlene

 

 

 

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Me

I don’t recall much since June 26th except monitors, lots of noise, hospital beds, nurses and doctors.

I was admitted on 6/26 and released on 7/9 for sepsis resulting from cellulitis infection in my right leg.

I almost died. I was sicker than anyone knew. I’ve been out of the hospital since July 9th but am still battling the pain and movements. Therapy begins next week.

Typing takes a great deal of concentration even though my hands were not affected.

I have not forgotten about all of you that read a follow this blog, but it may be many more weeks until I am back to full capacity

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Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand.
Psalm 73:23 NIV

May you know how much Jesus loves you..Jesus can turn any mess into a message and any test into a testimony. #HopeAlwaysHaveFaith

Thank you for all the prayer warriors keeping me covered in prayer during this difficult time.

Blessings~Carlene

Moving Forward

Revelation 21:4 
‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

I look forward to the day when Jesus returns as He promises in His Word. I eagerly anticipate when there will be no more pain, no more tears of sorrow and mourning will be ended once and for all. 

Earlier this week, a dark cloud appeared in our lives and reminded us that life is but a fleeting moment here on earth. That just as there is a time for being born, there is also a time to die. It was with great sadness, my father-in-law drew his last breath. While we know, he is in Heaven with The Father, it does not make it any easier for the family members that are left behind. While we can rejoice in knowing, we will see him again, the ache that hangs onto your heart and the tears that are near the surface of spilling out, that is a sorrow that will take years to get over. 

When I was younger, I always heard that”time heals all wounds”.  I know, now as an adult, that it isn’t the case, exactly. I know that one of the reasons grief is so hard and messy is that when you grieve the loss of someone that you love and care deeply for, there is no time frame for when that grief stops. I lost my own father three years ago and he is always on my mind. I know that when it was time for him to leave our presence and go to the presence of Jesus, he no longer suffered or struggled with his pain and labored breathing, and in that essence, he was in a much better place.  And I also know that no amount of preparing yourself for the inevitability of a loved one’s time is drawing near, cannot prepare your heart for the sorrow it holds when their time has come. 

Each and every person deals and handles grief differently. There is no right or wrong way to grieve.  Today, as I surveyed the space within the room where a time of hugs, laughter, and tears were erupting, I realized how short life is. Every person on this earth touches the hearts of others, in many ways.  Some experiences are pure joy, while others are hard lessons to learn and some are sad. I have learned that no matter how much time you have to live your life, living it to the fullest means not leaving this earth with regrets. Or living in the “I wish I had done________” or “What if?”.

Cherish your family, make amends if needed, love deeply. At the end that is all that matters. Loving each other for the time we are given on this earth. Regrets don’t have to be if we choose to live in the abundance of love. Forgive others, hold dear the memories and treasures of the time you have with those that make up your tribe. Be thankful and grateful that you were blessed to be part of their life. Don’t be afraid to speak their name or share a memory or story of why they were so special in your life. 

I have found, in my experience with loss, as you share what you loved about the person you’ve lost, not only does that piece of your heart that feels like it will never be the same again, start to fill with love because you had them in your life, the sorrow does become easier to live with. It’s always there, but in order to continue living your life, some days you have to tuck it away in a special place in your soul and some days you allow it to run freely because you just need to do that. That’s okay.  Every one of us grieves and processes things differently.

Saying goodbye is never easy. Tomorrow we will say our final farewell to a man that meant so much to so many. And I will cherish all the memories that we shared over the past 24 years. I will share those moments with our children and grandchildren so our family history will continue with each generation. 

We love you, dad. We will miss you. We are happy that you are home with mom now and we look forward to when we will see you again. Thanks for being a part of our lives. 

Dad & Mom Wooddell

In loving memory of Donald K. “Woody” Wooddell. First breath taken on 10/26/31 and last breath drawn on 11/12/18.

May you know how much Jesus loves you~right now~in this moment. Jesus can turn any mess into a message and any test into a testimony. #HopeAlwaysHave Faith

Blessings until next time~Carlene

My Catherine the Great

Proverbs 31:11-31 English Standard Version (ESV)
11 The heart of her husband trusts in her,
and he will have no lack of gain.
12 She does him good, and not harm,
all the days of her life.
13 She seeks wool and flax,
and works with willing hands.
14 She is like the ships of the merchant;
she brings her food from afar.
15 She rises while it is yet night
and provides food for her household
and portions for her maidens.
16 She considers a field and buys it;
with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard.
17 She dresses herself[a] with strength
and makes her arms strong.
18 She perceives that her merchandise is profitable.
Her lamp does not go out at night.
19 She puts her hands to the distaff,
and her hands hold the spindle.
20 She opens her hand to the poor
and reaches out her hands to the needy.
21 She is not afraid of snow for her household,
for all her household are clothed in scarlet.[b]
22 She makes bed coverings for herself;
her clothing is fine linen and purple.
23 Her husband is known in the gates
when he sits among the elders of the land.
24 She makes linen garments and sells them;
she delivers sashes to the merchant.
25 Strength and dignity are her clothing,
and she laughs at the time to come.
26 She opens her mouth with wisdom,
and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
27 She looks well to the ways of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
28 Her children rise up and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
29 “Many women have done excellently,
but you surpass them all.”
30 Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain,
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
31 Give her of the fruit of her hands,
and let her works praise her in the gates

She is beautiful inside and out.

She is loving and caring.

She is kind and compassionate.

She is fiercely protective of those she loves and cares about.

She is full of passion for what she believes in and always stands up for her beliefs.

She is strong and does not easily back down.

She is determined and does not quit, that is not an option and she will find her way around any obstacle in her path.

She is an artist with a flair for repurposing items that people see no value in. She brings old things back to life.

She is a great listener and works toward a solution, rather than complain about a problem.

She is an amazing mom of three college graduates who are changing the world around them.

She is a wife, a mom,  an aunt, a sister, and a daughter.

She is an emergency 911 dispatcher who works more hours than should be humanly possible. The first voice you might hear, full of calm and reserve as she manages 500 things at once.

She is a former school bus driver that loved her riders as if they were her own children.

She is an animal lover and considers them family, not just pets.

She never has enough time to take care of herself, she is always caring for others and burning the candle at both ends.

She is wise beyond her years and has seen many things most people will never have to see.

She is faithful and will celebrate 29 years of marriage this month to her loving husband.

She was a cheerleading mom and advisor when her daughter was school age.

She loves her community and has a great tribe that she holds dear and close to her heart.

But one of the best things she is…..she is my sister. And I love her with all my heart and soul. Today is her birthday. I don’t see her as often as I would like, but I hope she knows how very proud I am of her, her accomplishments, which are too many to mention. I know she is always a phone call away. Our family is very blessed indeed!

Cathy

Catherine, I love you sis and I pray that today your birthday will be all you hope for and more! You deserve it! Much love~Carlene

 

May you know how much Jesus Loves You-right in this moment-right where you are! Jesus can turn any mess into a message of hope. #HopeAlwaysHaveFaith

Blessings to all!

 

 

 

 

Remembering Daddy

My father went home to the Lord on September 18, 2015. It seems like only yesterday that I heard the words, he’s gone. I miss him every single day and think about him all the time. Wishing I could pick up the phone or turn on my Skype and talk to him. But I have to say that out of all the holidays, Father’s Day is one of the most difficult. Our family is in several states and getting together for any holiday is difficult, so missing him at Christmastime, isn’t the same as missing him on a day set aside to honor him.

 

Constantly being reminded by marketing ads that Father’s Day is near and seeing all types of retail products to entice people to purchase gifts for their dads have made it even more difficult this year.  I have a hole in my heart, that will always be there.  As  my father’s life on earth was ending, he was ready. He knew he was going home to Jesus and he was at peace about it. And our entire family misses him something awful, but we too have peace in our hearts, it’s grief that comes at you from nowhere and knocks you down. There is no timeline for grief. I think the reason it hurts our hearts so much is that when you love someone so much, it’s hard to redirect that love when the person is no longer with you.

I had the privilege of having my father for 50 years. He was my superhero. He didn’t need a cape. He was a man of integrity, put others needs always above his own and he was always ready to help anyone in need, even if that meant the last dollar in his pocket or, literally, the shirt off of his back. His rules were simple. Lead by example. Honor and respect your elders. Be kind. Always be honest. Love unconditionally. Do as your told. No backtalk. Pick up after yourself, do your chores. He wasn’t a complicated person, although from time to time he did make things complicated because it seemed like he always had to have the last word.

I think of the many ways that my father and I are alike and there is no doubt I am his daughter. I pray daily that I honor him in how I live and in how I not only value honesty but will not tolerate people being dishonest. I have no room for it and dislike when I hear people say “it’s just a little white lie”… A lie is just that. Big or small, doesn’t matter.

Daddy & Tyson

Daddy and Tyson

He taught me about Jesus. He modeled a life of service to others. He taught me its ok to laugh and cry at life. Life isn’t fair, you do your best with what you have and you thank God for those blessings. He taught me parenting isn’t easy and you can’t be your child’s friend and parent all at the same time. He taught me that bias and prejudice create hate; love all. Let God deal with avenging.

He has always had my heart, loved me even when I wasn’t very loving and forgave much. We shared a special love of being there and helping others. That’s why its so sad that I have very few pictures of him and me together. I was usually behind the lens.

He lived his life his way and on his terms and he went out the same way.

Daddy, I miss you and love you so much, but  I know I will see you again.

Happy Fathers Day to all fathers!

 

But among you, it will be different. Whoever wants to be a leader among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first among you must become your slave. For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve others and to give his life as a ransom for many.”
Matthew 20:26‭-‬28 NLT

May you know how much Jesus loves you-right where you are in this moment! #HopeAlwayaHaveFaith

Blessings~Carlene

 

 

Discord or Harmony? Which do you choose?

I appeal to you, dear brothers and sisters, by the authority of our Lord Jesus Christ, to live in harmony with each other. Let there be no divisions in the church. Rather, be of one mind, united in thought and purpose.

1 Corinthians 1:10 NLT

 

This was my daily verse that appeared on my computer screen this morning and it made me realize that I cannot hold onto anger or irritation because that is not who God has called me to be. How easy it is though to let simple irritations or perceived wrongdoings take hold if we let them. Until I read that verse, I had mulled over what I had found and shared that information with my husband hoping he would be just as upset. And there at that moment, discord happened.  I knew better. I know better, but I was angry.

I do my utmost to be loving in all circumstances and show mercy and grace to all; some days I fail miserably. Forgiving the offense is hard today. Maybe because it’s a repeated offense of thinking of oneself and no one else or the circumstances at hand. However, I know that if I do not forgive, the enemy wins. And if I do not give it to the Lord and ask for forgiveness for my thoughts, words, and actions, I am no better than the offender.

candle burning

Photo by Steve Johnson on Pexels.com

So I will forgive, not because people think it may be the right thing to do, but because that is what Jesus does for me daily. I will forgive because my perceptions are totally different and I can’t let this one offense rule over my thoughts and actions.  Discourse in the church begins in our hearts. Different ideas, perceived notions, beliefs with an unwillingness to shift or change how we do life and how we perceive what other’s think or believe can leave you feeling pretty agitated. We have to be willing, as a member of the body of believers (the church) that everyone hears from God in different ways and every person has different parts of ministry in their lives. We have to be willing to stand up for injustice, love others~even if they aren’t very lovable and be willing to open our hearts and minds to the people God places in our path.

Each one of us is created in the image of God. I believe He did that so that we might see a glimpse of how diverse and omnipotent He is. Remembering that  man looks at the outward appearance and God looks inwardly at our hearts, pricked mine today because it reminded me that my heart wasn’t in a very good place and for my heart to show the Love of Jesus to  others, it has to be full of love, peace, patience, gentleness and mercy- not anger, resentment and bitterness.

I think it is simply awesome that God knows what each of us needs to read or hear in order to put our hearts in the right place, even though all of us have very different circumstances going on all at the same time.  The fact that any of us could attend a church meeting, hear the same sermon and each receives the message to help us in our daily walk, shows us how Sovereign and Omnipresent our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ is. He knows what we need, and He is always listening and ready to guide us. I am so thankful for that.

John 10:10 New Living Translation (NLT)
10 The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life.

May you know how much Jesus Loves You~right here, right now! #HopeAlwaysHaveFaith

Blessings to all~Carlene

 

 

 

Keeping it Real

For the Lord, your God is living among you. He is a mighty savior. He will take delight in you with gladness. With his love, he will calm all your fears. He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.”

Zephaniah 3:17 NLT

 

 

I am encouraged by reading the above passage of Scripture.  Yes, Jesus is living among us. His Holy Spirit lives within me. He is Mighty and Powerful. He delights in me! He calms my fears with a love like no other and He rejoices over me with joyful songs.  This verse reminds me that no matter how things may appear to me, my Heavenly Father rejoices over me and my life!

I firmly believe that everything that we go through in life is for a greater purpose than we can see or imagine. I know that God is in control and when you have a personality like mine that wants to fix all the problems around and ease burdens, it’s easy to think you’re on your own.

HAHF

I love the Lord with an everlasting love. One that cannot be diminished by my circumstances. I know there is nothing I will ever face that he can’t possibly understand or hasn’t overcome.

I’ve been feeling out of sorts of late and I cannot pinpoint why.  I can think of many reasons but not specifically pinpoint it. Two years ago, when an invisible chronic illness forced me to reevaluate my life and retire early at the age of 51, I wasn’t sure what would happen or how our family would make it without my income, but I knew God would provide a way.  It was scary.  I had worked since I was 16 and being someone who typically fixes problems, I really had no idea how to fix this. I knew though, that if I didn’t start taking care of myself, I wouldn’t be good for anyone else.

I have never been the type of person that puts my needs above others. I am not wired that way, so trusting God and the Peace He imparted to me, made the decision, although scary, so much easier to make.

Three months after taking early retirement, my daughter and I sat inside a small exam room of our local Children’s hospital Developmental Pediatrics clinic finding out her son, our youngest grandchild, had Autism Spectrum Disorder and that opened up a whole new set of scary challenges. He was nonverbal. That was in 2016. He has found his voice but doesn’t answer many questions yet, unless they are specific questions he can answer.

No matter how much pain I was in, every day I would research and work with him to help him understand, teach him simple signs so he could make his requests known and try to bridge the gap between his mind and the world. His favorite phrase, now is “I love you too.”  He climbs up on my lap, wraps his arms around my neck and repeats that phrase over and over. Melts my heart.

Living within our means was a challenge when I was working full-time and bringing home a paycheck every other week. Living on a fixed income and having enough to last from month to month is nothing less than a miracle from God. And there are some months, there isn’t enough, but God always provides for our needs. We have found hope through food pantry programs and installment plans on bills to carry us through and the love of family and friends.

Somewhere along the way, dreams changed, priorities shifted and I feel like a failure. I know I should not feel this way, but deep down, if we are keeping it real, I do. I can’t be on my feet for very long periods, or my legs go numb all the way to my feet, the searing back pain makes me want to sit down and cry, but I hold the tears back.  The widespread pain I used to experience throughout my body is held at bay by all natural supplements I use and I thank God every day that I found those.  However, they don’t help with the searing pain in my back. It’s the type of pain you learn to live with and you adapt. Pain changes a person, even if you try your best not to let it.

I had hopes of working til actual retirement age and retiring to a warmer state with no snow and no cold weather.  But I don’t see that in my sights anymore. Now I see therapies, medical appointments and helping our grandson thrive in his life. And I truly am not trying to sound like I am complaining, because I love this little guy and would do anything within my power to help him succeed.

I don’t like clutter anymore. At one time, it didn’t bother me as much as it does now. I would guess the fact that I see it 24 hours a day 7 days a week probably has a lot to do with that. When I was working, and then coming home to a mess, wasn’t as important as sitting down and relaxing before cooking dinner, bathtime, and bedtime. Now everywhere I turn, there is a mess. Yes, having a toddler in the home is a tiny part of the problem, but the biggest reason, is I have become too complacent in keeping the house in order. For the past two years, I have been saying the clutter has to go, and yet as I view the room around me, it seems not only has it not gone anywhere, but it has increased! My answer is simple, rent a dumpster, and start tossing. It sounds like an amazing idea until you figure the costs and realize the budget you live on will never work with the idea.

A year ago, my physician encouraged me to consider having a bariatric surgical procedure to help me feel better. And I did consider it but knew there was no way that I would be able to have the allotted time for recovering from such a procedure available to me, so I gave up on those plans. I have been considered morbidly obese for years and no amount of changing the way I eat, ever seemed to help. Exercising is so difficult because of the searing back pain that I have become resigned to being the size I am. And that is scary because I know that if I don’t lose some weight and get down to a healthier weight, I am not only putting my health at risk, I am shortening my lifespan.

This depression in me has rendered me “stuck”.  I want to do more with my life. I want to be a light to others. I want to be healthy. I want to be around for at least another 40 years or so, God willing, but I know that if I don’t find a way to get moving, more than I am now, I may end up more disabled than I already am.

Since 2005, I have struggled with a thyroid problem. I was diagnosed with Graves disease that year, because not only did I have a thyroid disorder, but I also had an autoimmune disorder. I have been without a thyroid gland since 2006 when it was eradicated by radioactive iodine treatments and have had to remain on medications that replicate the production of thyroid hormones that control the organs in my body.  I have been struggling with keeping my TSH levels in the normal range and finally some good news that the dose they have me on is finally showing good results.

Living with obstructive sleep apnea requires me to wear a CPAP (continuous positive airway pressure) mask every night and the machine forces air into my throat and keeps my airway open. About a year ago, I found out that even though my CPAP equipment was working properly, my cells and organs were not getting enough oxygen to live well. So, supplemental nighttime oxygen became part of my routine as well. When someone lives with OBSA, if they sleep for 12 hours or 2 without equipment to help keep their airway open, they will always feel fatigued and may suffer from headaches, leg cramps, falling asleep the moment they stop moving or talking. I never realized how important oxygen saturation in our bodies was until I was lacking it. I felt like a zombie and couldn’t comprehend why I was feeling so horrible, until I was informed, after testing, that even though my airway was remaining open during sleep with the CPAP, my oxygen saturation levels were dangerously low nearing 60%, not the recommended 90% or higher. For me, sleeping without my CPAP/Oxygen is not optional. The only way I can sleep without it is in an upright position and then I am still lacking the proper oxygen my body needs.

As my husband, grandson and I prepare to take a vacation, that has meant putting aside money we really don’t have, so we can get away and relax, I have come to realize this may be what I  need to get back into the right frame of mind. A change of scenery and climate, along with being able to visit a loved one that I miss deeply, might just boost my energy levels again. I am counting down the weeks until this becomes a reality.

Every morning as I sit with God and pray, I see the clutter in my home and I don’t want my heart to remain in a cluttered state. I need to embrace the purpose in my days. Seeing the same four walls and facing the same daily challenges in raising a special needs child can make anyone feel isolated and alone. I know it has for me. I have always been a “people person”. I love being around others and engaging in conversations and somehow, I have got to find a way to do that again. As far as the clutter, I know that many experts suggest starting off small, working on a small area at a time and not looking at the big picture. It’s just so hard when you see the entire picture daily. There is no shutting it off.

I know our lives are always a work in progress. Growth can’t come if we are not willing to change or try things in different ways. I know that for every failure I have ever experienced in my life, there has been a lesson learned and life always looks better when you get through the testing than when you are going through it.

And I know, that the feelings of failure and sadness that have been holding my heart hostage, they too shall pass. I know this because I am loved. I am worthy. I am enough.

Thank you for listening to the ramblings of someone who knows that I have much to be thankful and grateful for and that no amount of “feeling sorry for myself” will help. I guess I need to see the words and read them to realize that. And I owe it to all of my readers. Without readers, there would be no blog and no reason to realize that God will allow many events in our lives to take place as He works on molding and shaping us into the person He created us to be.

May you know how much Jesus Loves You~right now, wherever you are and He is always available to you! #HopeAlwaysHaveFaith

Blessings~Carlene