Just like fall brings the warmth of summer temps to a close; the fall colors in nature warm our hearts; seasons in our lives are ever changing.
For the past 5 months, I’ve been in a season of uncertainty and rest. Uncertainty of what medical testing would reveal but a season of rest and assurance that God loves me and knows every single detail of my life.
I’ve wanted to write and share my stories with you but God has shown me that rest requires more than just sleeping; it also requires my mind to be still and wait for Him. Being still has always been challenging for me. If anything needs done, I would figure a way to do it; even if it caused pain.
I’m no quitter.
In my Season of Rest, Jesus has taught me to rely on others, accepting help from people who genuinely care for me and want nothing in return. I am good at nurturing others, but have found it hard to accept that love from other people until recently.
Upon finding out I actually did have Endometrial cancer, part of me was relieved and part of me concerned. I’ve left it in God’s hands and am trusting He will continue to carry me and hold me always.
As Friday approaches, I will admit I’m.a little nervous. This IS major surgery. I will be intubated and I keep praying my lungs and their capacity to work correctly will not be hindered by my weight. If I was laying flat and not head angled down, I wouldn’t be as concerned. As always I am choosing to trust the Lord to be my strength thru it all.
Every medical obstacle that Satan has thrown at me; The Great Physician and Healer, Jesus Christ our Lord has seen me thru. Now will be no different.
I always remember the verse about even if my faith is the size of a mustard seed and I believe, it’s enough. My faith is much bigger than that because of all the things God has brought me thru, but even in the times in my life when my faith could be called mustard seed faith, it still carried me.
I guess what I am really trying to express is hold onto your faith, trust in the Hope Jesus can bring. Allow Him into your heart and life and He will take your messiness and turn it into a message and testimony giving Him all glory and honor and praise!
Jesus can turn any mess into a message and any test, trial and temptation into a testimony.
Proverbs 3:5 New Living Translation (NLT) 5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding.
I feel like I’ve been gnawing my way through tons of emotions this week to remember to trust in the Lord and realizing His ways I may not always understand, but He is in Control. Of EVERYTHING.
I love Jesus with all my heart. There is absolutely no doubt about that. I know HE is the God of Peace. I know He is Good. I know that many things happen in our lives and lately I have felt all alone, even when surrounded by those that love me.
I guess it’s some type of depression. I haven’t dealt with depression for me very much and so I have tried to banish it from my mind. I’ve lived with others that have depression and have lived with it for many years and I truly don’t know how they manage to make it through every single day, unscathed.
I know that I have always been able to turn to the Lord and He comforts me. He reminds me I am loved and no matter what I am in the midst of it is only temporary. I cling to that hope. I hold on so tightly that sometime’s the tears don’t stop. But no one sees the tears because I have learned to hide them. Even if they see tears, there is always an explanation of why. No one suspects anything. But hiding this depression isn’t helping me and it certainly isn’t helping anyone around me.
I am up late, usually alone, soaking in the silence and hanging on because once I go to bed, I don’t want to get up. I want to sleep. Sleeping is easy because then I don’t have to face all the high stress in the house. High stress of living with a special needs child that creates stress for the rest of us. Stress, none of us, seem to be able to get a grip on. And as much as I don’t like to use the word worry, lots of concern over if our happy little guy will ever be back again. If his appetite will come back. If he will want to eat foods again that he used to love and were good for him. If he will learn how to control the sensory overload and not go on a rampage throwing toys, breaking objects, trying to hurt himself and hurt others. And while I pray about this and I think about it every single second I am awake, life goes on.
My friend Mary went to be with the Lord eight days ago. I grieve for knowing I can’t talk to her anymore, her children don’t have their mom to hug and hold, her husband must go on without her and all the people whose lives she has touched, have this deep sense of loss just as I do. But Mary knew her time was near. She had visions of being with Jesus. No matter how painful her last few days were, cancer could not destroy her spirit. She fought her short battle with so much grace and dignity, I can only hope I can go as peacefully when my time comes. And I know I will gaze upon her face in the future. I know she is with our Lord and Savior, dancing and singing in Heaven showering Him with Praise and totally pain-free. And that gives me peace.
In 4 weeks, more or less, there will be a new life in our home. I am so excited to meet our newest granddaughter, but I am cautiously optimistic because I am concerned about how her brother will react when she cries. Will, he still gaze upon her as he does every other baby he sees with such awe and wonder? Or will he not understand and act out? Will he be gentle and kind, or will he………?
New therapy and new medications have started and I am believing this will be the missing pieces along with continued love and support to help our little guy gain some understanding of what works for self-regulation. For ways to cope when the noise becomes too much for his little body to handle all by itself. Sensory tools are being used in the home to help too. A new sensory swing that he now requests. A new “favorite game” he calls it. He lays on the couch and I lean back across him, applying pressure, for only a few seconds, several times in a row. And then he seems to feel better. And in those moments, we have peace.
Even as I write this, I feel a peace settling in around my heart. A peace that only comes from God because, without Him, I would be a wreck of a human being. I want this peace to become so much that nothing shakes me to the core. I used to have that peace and slowly, I let the distractions in my life, chip it away bit by bit. This last week has been proof of that. Thoughts that come to mind and I send them fleeing because they are not thoughts from my Lord. Words unspoken, because I realize we all deal with our emotions so differently and words hurt. Even well-meaning words can have an effect that nothing good can come from.
I consciously choose to love through it all. And I also consciously know without Jesus, His grace, His forgiveness, His love, and His mercy, I would be a jumbled up ball of emotions, shaking in a corner and wishing I could go home too.
I don’t like being depressed. Or even sad. I know the enemy would like nothing more for me to succumb to it. But the one thing satan seems to forget is I am a God girl and there is nothing he can do that will ever change my mind, my heart or my soul. I am a Princess of the King of Kings and I know my God is bigger than anything I will ever face.
Thank you for loving me unconditionally, no matter what type of emotions or circumstances I find myself in, You are always there. You hold me up when I feel like I am falling. You strengthen me when my strength is gone. You give me peace where I can’t find any. You battle for me in the realms where I cannot go and Your love endures forever. Your peace no one can snatch from me. I hang onto the hope Father that you have plans for my life, plans to prosper me and not harm me, plans to give me hope and a future. You give me people to counsel me and share their testimonies of what a faithful father you are. You will never abandon me, or leave me. I love you, Lord! Father God, I ask that you forgive my unbelief when I doubt that you are working in my life. When I can’t see past the hurt and sorrow, when I weep, I know you are still working in and through me and on my behalf. In Your Mighty and Powerful name, Jesus. Amen
Jesus Loves You~right now and always. He can turn any mess you are in, into a message and any test you go through into a testimony! #HopeAlwaysHaveFaith
**Note: Mary went to be with the Lord early this morning (1/11/19). This was originally posted on 1/10/19. She is in no more pain, but remained faithful in trusting the Lord in all. She was full of grace, dignity and peace as she went home.
Please keep her family in your prayers.
Hello readers, today I choose to use this platform to ask for prayers. Prayers for very dear friends of mine.
My friend Mary has been struck with a very aggressive form of unknown cancer and is fighting with all she has to live. It could be hours or days, only God knows when her time on earth will end.
There are hundreds of friends, family and unknown prayer warriors standing in the gap for her and interceeding for a miracle.
Her husband and two teenage daughters are with her. We know that at any time Jesus can change the direction of the course she is on.
They are hanging onto hope and praying God’s Will for her life. We will continue to pray and cry out to the Father for His Healing touch.
We come today to thank you for the gift of Mary. For the light and witness she has been to each life she has crossed paths with during her lifetime. We stand on the Promises in Your Word that if we earnestly seek you, knock and ask You will hear our prayers and answer. Holy Spirit, we know You have a plan for each of our lives, a plan to prosper us and not harm us, a plan to give us hope and a future.We fervently seek You and ask that all disease in her body, cells, and every system You created and designed be restored to perfect health and any and all strongholds of negativity and evil be broken and crushed with Your Mighty Hand! Please continue to strengthen each family member and pour out Your Peace upon each of them. By the Power and Authority in the Name of Jesus. Amen
*posted with permission from the family.
Jesus loves you ~ right here right now. He can turn any mess into a message and any test into a testimony! #HopeAlwaysHaveFaith