Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 New Living Translation (NLT)
For everything there is a season,
a time for every activity under heaven.
2 A time to be born and a time to die.
A time to plant and a time to harvest.
3 A time to kill and a time to heal.
A time to tear down and a time to build up.
4 A time to cry and a time to laugh.
A time to grieve and a time to dance.
5 A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
6 A time to search and a time to quit searching.
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
7 A time to tear and a time to mend.
A time to be quiet and a time to speak.
8 A time to love and a time to hate.
A time for war and a time for peace.
The Bible tells us in these verses there is a time for everything that happens in our lives. Lately, I have been in the season of grieving. There is a time to grieve, but we must also allow healing to seep into our mourning and grief. It is all intertwined. Death is as much a part of our lives as birth is. For me, and for the people, I have lost in the last month, all of us know we will see one another again in eternity. I rejoice for them as their pain is gone, they suffer no more in their earthly bodies and they are finally home. Each of the people that touched my life is such small and big ways, makes me grateful that God allowed them to cross my path and be part of my tribe. Each of these people I called friends taught me about loving others, looking past flaws and seeing the good in everything. They taught me to never give up, to stand up for what I believe in and to trust in the Lord.
I miss them. Some days I think of the conversations we had, or the times we spent together being silly or laughing at one another. Other days, I am quiet. And some days I weep. It’s hard to let them go because the love you have for the person you lost, is just there and then I recall that they loved with such huge hearts for others and their love supply never ran out, so while I miss them deeply and don’t know when I will join them, I am choosing to direct the love I had for them toward others and go on. That is how I am processing the grief right now. Next week, it may look and feel totally different. One thing I know for sure is there is no right or wrong way to grieve for people we love. But I do know that Jesus will help me get through all of it.
And while grief comes in all types and ways, I relish in how they lived their lives. Building on His Truth and sharing Jesus through the way they lived their lives. I want to be more like that. Less complaining and more loving, stronger and bolder faith in knowing Whose I am and how much I am loved,
And then there’s this grief that I really don’t know what to do with. The grief that returns in your heart when you sit in an exam room, with your spouse and find out the cancer is back. And they want to wait three months to do anything about it. The anger that after almost 10 years of remission, your whole world can be shattered in a matter of a few seconds as you hear the results of pathology that has come back. But you (me) don’t show emotion when you hear it, because you know that your spouse (my husband) will need me to be strong and positive. And to hold on to hope and cling to Jesus. I have great faith and I trust in the Lord for everything in our lives. Even when all hope seems lost. I want to direct my anger at someone, anyone, but that won’t do any good. It won’t make cancer disappear. If only it were that easy. Three months is a long time for cancer to move around. Three months of waiting because the procedure needed to be done to see how advanced it is, can’t be, because of a surgical repair that requires healing before proceeding. And I sit and I think about all the technological advances in the field of medicine and we are told to wait. We are told surgery will not be an option this time, but there will be other treatments to discuss, in three months!
I don’t want to wait three months to find out what can be done. I want to know now and I want to be able to fix this, but I can’t. I can pray to the One who can. I can pray without ceasing, and I am, but I can’t make it go away and I hate that! I despise that my husband has to continue to feel sluggish and in pain and there is nothing I can do, except love him and encourage him to hold on. And I know he is in more pain than he would ever admit to anyone because he’s always been like that. So, if I can see he isn’t feeling well and after 24 years of knowing him, watching him, seeing how he reacts to things, how much worse is it that he isn’t telling me or sharing? But I have learned not to push to find out because it doesn’t help and usually makes things worse.
He knows what the cancer pain feels like, he’s had the same type of cancer before and he’s worried. That’s all I need to know. However, I can’t let him know I am worried, because I am not the worrier in the family. I am a faith warrior. And my faith is strong. Is my faith enough? I pray daily God will guide me and give me the discernment and wisdom to know when to say what needs to be said and when to say it. I guess the thing that really gets me is that God can heal without breaking a sweat. But our healing from cancer or any other devastating illness, may or may not be this side of eternity.
I am not ready to let go. So I will bow my head and I will continue to cry out to Jesus that in three months when we go for the exploratory procedure, no cancer will be found. And I will do everything within my power to encourage my husband to do the same.
Just as there is a time to die there is also a time to be born.
Over the weekend, God blessed our family with our fifth grandchild, a precious adorable granddaughter. I am not biased in any way, of course. Today she came home. She is so sweet and the only thing she requires is to be loved. She is on a regular feeding schedule, every 4 hours, no whimpers, no crying, a few hiccups that are quite funny to listen to and pure joy.
Even in the midst of great grief, God sends a gift of pure joy. That’s hope in action.
May you know how much Jesus Loves You! Right here, right now. In the midst of what you are living. He is always available to you. Always.
Jesus can turn any mess into a message and any test into a testimony! #HopeAlwaysHaveFaith
Blessings until next time~Carlene